U/S - good news!

I won't keep you in suspense any longer. We saw 1 perfect little embryo with a perfect little beating heart. We also saw a nice looking yolk sac. My RE twisted the probe around to check every corner and crevice in my uterus, making sure there wasn't another baby hidden anywhere. Much like us, he thought there was going to be more than 1 in there.

While part of me wanted twins, I'm thrilled that there's only 1 (as long as this one sticks around). As the sole bread winner of our household I was petrified of having a complicated multiples pregnancy and not being able to work. I have disability insurance but it only covers part of my salary. (I know that I can still have a complicated pregnancy but I'm now hoping that the chance of that much lower) I prefer to use our savings to take additional time off after the baby is born and not before. This also means that we can be more aggressive with R's FET.

I'm just so excited that we got good news today. I could not have taken more bad news. I'm hoping that our luck has changed and that we'll finally catch a break in this crazy journey we've been on. My next u/s is in 2 weeks!

Korean dinner - borat style

R has this classmate who is from Korea. Her company in Korea has sponsored her to come to the U.S. to obtain her masters degree. She initially came with her teenage daughter and after the first 2 semesters her husband and son decided to come as well. None of them really spoke that much English when they got here - well NY (the Korean lady) did speak a little but her husband and 2 kids really couldn't say more than "hello".

We had had them over to our place for dinner back in November. NY is facinated by gay people. I guess there aren't many "out" folks in Korea so she's learning about gay people and the gay culture and hopes to be able to work with that population when she goes back home. So anyway, we had them over and it was quite a night. NY was the only one who really said anything. Her husband just smiled and nodded the entire evening. Her son also didn't speak much. We were able to get a few words out of the daughter (she's currently attending a local high school and the son is taking English classes in college). At the end of the meal, the husband said something in Korean to his wife who then looked at the left over food on the table and said "it's ok, we take?" LOL - shit there went my lunch for the next day but ah - ok.

Well last night they invited us over for dinner at their house. She had prepared quite the spread of Korean food which smelled and looked delicious. After sitting down and asking about all the food, the conversation hit a lull. Silence. OMG, how much silence is too long? After what seemed like forever, I decided to announce I was pregnant! Shit, I had to say something. NY asked me how far along I was and I replied that it was still very early - only 6 weeks. She then asked if I could already feel the baby?!? Not quite yet. LOL.

We muddled along the rest of the evening. I'm not quite sure about everything we ate but I'm a pretty adventurous eater so it didn't matter. Most of it was pretty tasty. There was a big plate of fried shrimp in front of me so I kept eating the shrimp. I noticed that they also ate shrimp but when I looked on their plates afterwards there was nothing. I realized that they ate the entire shrimp. So as not to be rude, I started quickly eating the pile of shrimp tales on my plate. There was also a meat dish that had pieces of bones it in - like ribs cut into slices so that you had 3 coin shaped peices of bone in the thin slice of meat. R and I both cut the meat leaving the fat attatched to the bone. When I looked on their plates, I noticed that they had sucked the bones clean. All that was left on there plates were the actual little coin shaped pieces of bone not the fat and some meat in between the bones. Again, not to be rude, I then started sucking my bones clean as well. I was so appreciative that my nausea didn't kick at that moment otherwise I would have lost it right then and there.

The husband and children all have progressed in their English skills. I tried to talk slowly for them but R said that somehow I ended up speaking slow and with some sort of fucked up fake British accent that made me sound snobby.

After dinner we were served some sweet rice drink with what looked like maggots in the bottom of the glass. R and I politely sipped it. They all gulped it down and then ate the maggot looking things. R and I definitely lost this challenge on the fear factor like portion of dinner.

After dinner, NY looked at all the left overs and said,"you take". I tried to say no but again, I didn't want to be rude, so we left with a bag full of Korean leftovers and a big tin of "Korean snacks" that she had prepared for R.

It was actually a great evening and an even better drive home because we couldn't stop laughing. R mostly laughed at my new fucked up accnet. She also couldn't believe that I sucked the bones and ate my shrimp tales.

Ahh, now only 1 more sleep until the u/s (you didn't think I was going to have this long ass post and not mention the u/s, did you?)

Dreams not suitable for children

Things are progressing nicely. I had an additional beta last week at 23dpo which came back at 15751!!! That's way above the median values listed on betabase but in line with the numbers that some of you who have twins have shared. The morning sickness has also continued to progress. It's actually worse in the evenings but can strike at any moment. I keep eating all day hoping to keep the puking at bay but it doesn't really work. I still throw up but not everything, so I am consuming a shit load of calories. I'm getting so fat since I cut out my regular runs at the beginning of this cycle and since now I'm eating all day long. I once had hopes of being one of those cute pregnant women with the normal body except for the cute little (or big) belly. Now I think I'm going to be one of those fat pregnant women with the huge butt, extra belly fat to pad the bump and not to mention the sexy bruises on my thighs from the heparin shots. I think I'll dress up as white trash pregnant Britney Spea.rs for Halloween (picture the Matt Lau.er interview with Britney).

As for my dreams. Unfortunately I have not had any more orgasm dreams. Instead I had the most horrendous miscarriage dream. In that dream, I miscarried twin boys (which is also part of the nightmare - I really want a daughter but just know that we're going to end up with a house full of boys). In my dream the boys came out both in the same sac. (With my real m/c the sac came out intact and I saw the fetus). This time though the boys looked like a 1 inch model of a real baby. And much like the pictures in the Harry Pot.ter movies they were waving at me and moving around as I held the little sac in my hand. One boy had blond spikey hair and the other one looked like the caveman in the Gei.co commercials with reddish-brown hair all over including a full beard. To make matters worse, I wasn't home and actually ran into my doctor in my dream. I gave him the specimen and he said to prepare it for pathology (I insisted on testing this time) he had to put them in a blender, which he happened to have with him. I woke up just as he was turning on the blender. Needless to say, I've been traumatized ever since.

Only 3 more sleeps until my u/s.

OMG - bring on the O

I've heard pregnant women talk about vivid dreams and some have even mentioned achieving orgasm during sleep. I can't say that I ever really believed the latter. Holy shit, it happened to me last night. I woke up in the middle of a sex dream in which I was orgasming and sure enough I was having one in real life. It was fucking amazing. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Was I supposed to reach down and help things along? They seemed to be progressing nicely without me doing a thing. Should I wake up R - it just felt like she should be a part of things. (However she has midterms this week so really needs to rest) I finally just let things come to an end on their own and went back to sleep, a nice wonderful deep sleep.

This morning I was truly giddy. I had the FFG (a term I was used by my med school classmates to describe the freshly fucked glow). I'm totally looking forward to going to sleep tonight and every night for the next 9 months!

Always worried about something bad

Yesterday was not a good day. I barely slept the night before and I wasn't quite sure why. I tossed and turned all night. When I did have a few minutes of sleep, I remember having some vivid fucked up dreams. Within a few minutes of getting up in the morning, my tummy started acting up (and not in the morning sickness kind of a way but rather the other end).

I spent most of the day near the bathroom. I was crampy and although I thought it was most likely GI cramps - it was still in my lower abdomen and it freaked me out. I felt nauseous as well but never puked. I also just felt weird, not myself. We were having friends over for dinner so I vacuumed the house which left me totally exhausted. My entire body was achy - my back hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt. I made it through dinner which was actually a mellow cook out with some of our best friends only to quickly make it a calorie free dinner with some cha-cha-cha action. I was petrified that I was getting a fever which I know at this stage can mean the kiss of death for a developing embryo. I was also certain that my body was rejecting the embryo(s). That my flu like aches were due to my body rejecting the embryo (possibly Natural Killer (NK) cells killing it off - my RE is not a fan of the diagnosis of NK cells or it's treatment (IVIg), thus it's the one thing that I haven't been tested for).

Convinced that something was wrong, I decided that I needed a beta today...so I went and got one. And to my surprise, it's really high. It went from 255 on 15dpo to 2235 on 18dpo. That's a 22 hour doubling time. Holy shit - now I'm convinced that it's twins and I'm kind of scared. I know I wanted twins but I have a really short torso, how will my body carry twins? (R's body is meant for twins with her long torso) I have long legs, but they not really good for twins. I know these are random fucked up thoughts but it's what I'm thinking. And why can't I seem to enjoy any part of this? Why am I all worried about every single little thing - betas too high? betas too low? only 1 baby? OMG possibly more than one baby? no baby at all? molar pregnancy? baby that dies? All these thoughts rush into my head. It's frustrating since I'm normally not a neurotic person. It's only TTCing that makes me a crazy person.

Beta #3

This morning I again POAS. Well actually I woke up at 2:30am and tried to hold it in and go back to sleep. By 2:45am I couldn't hold it in any longer. I peed into a cup and then tested this morning when I woke up for good at 6:30am. The reason that I POAS again, was that I was having a 3rd beta today and needed some reassurance that it would be ok. The test line came up before the control line did and was just as dark as the control line. That really helped ease my mind for the 2 hour wait until the beta.

I'm not sure how any of you girls manage to wait so long for results. I am able to go into the system and check my labs. I can't imagine having to wait for the RE's office to call. This is one doctor perk that I'm going to take advantage of. It's as close to unethical as I get. I would never order meds for myself and much to R's dismay, I won't order anything for her either. But I will check our labs - mostly just for betas and for progesterone. If it hadn't been for my psycho vigilance with the progesterone, this pregnancy might not have been.

So as for beta #3 - it's fucking great!!! It went from 14 at 10dpo, to 45 on 12dpo, to 255 on 15dpo. My doubling times are in the 28 hour range. I'm so excited I can hardly work. Well that and I want to puke. I did actually puke this morning. I decided the baby(ies) needed protein so I made myself some eggs for breakfast. They were great going in but no so great coming back. R says it was due to nerves. I say bring on morning sickness. I need daily reassurance that this one is going to live and I'll take that reassurance in the form of puking any day.

14dpo

I have hit the 4 weeks mark today. I feel like I have known about this pregnancy forever (well at least since last Friday) and can't believe that today is the day my period would have been expected. Most people wouldn't even begin to suspect that they were pregnant for a few more days. Yet I have been having positive pregnancy tests since 9dpo and have been experiencing all sort of imagined symptoms like nausea and cramping and bigger boobs (mine are pretty small to start with so any increase is noticeable). Today is actually the first morning that I have not peed on a a stick. Yesterdays test, which I did not blog about was the darkest thus far. I know the color isn't supposed to mean much, but it sure is nice for the psyche to see that line get darker and darker.

So now onto the next step. I'll have another beta tomorrow. I'm not sure if they'll recheck my progesterone then. Monday's progesterone came back at 39.9 - much better than the 3.6 on Saturday. I guess that PIO really does wonders. I also scheduled my first u/s. My nurse originally tried to schedule me at almost 8 weeks - is she fucking nuts?!? I told her a 6 or 6 1/2 week u/s sounded better. I told her I'd likely be getting my second u/s by 8 weeks (due to my neurosis). She knew I was right and went ahead and scheduled me for 6wk2d which will be on Friday 3/30. That wait will seem like an eternity. Maybe I'll have to convince them for another beta next week - LOL something to kill the time or I'll have to go back to POAS to make sure that I'm still pregnant (not that the pee stick would tell me if something bad happened).

I'm not even sure why I just typed that last line. I'm really positive about this pregnancy. I really feel that this one is going to work. Now I'm just hoping for twins! That way we'll have an insurance baby - you know, a just in case something goes wrong with one baby, we have a back up baby. I know that sounds horrible and I would never say that once both were born. However it would make me feel more confidant about the pregnancy if there were 2. I had 4-6 follies, is 2 babies too much to ask for?

It's official - I'm pregnant

I just got the results - it's official, I'm pregnant!!!

Beta #1 (10 dpIUI) - 14
Beta #2 (12 dpIUI) - 45
That's a doubling time of 28.5 hours!!!

I might get a third beta on Wednesday just for shits and giggles! I also had a progesterone today but those results won't be up until late tonight/ early tomorrow (and they're kind of irrelevant since I'm on PIO). Now the wait until the u/s. We're always waiting for something. Must go call the RE and schedule the u/s. Thanks to everyone for your support along the way. Let's hope this one is finally the real thing.

12 DPO +HPT

Isn't it pretty? I felt so relieved this morning to see it pop up so quickly and be darker than the previous tests.

I am going in before work to get my second beta done. Hopefully, I'll have the results in a few hours.

This morning's HPT was slightly darker than yesterdays test. I'm still so impressed that I've had 3 days of positive HPT's and today is only 11dpIUI. I really want this to work. That's why this morning when in what has become my now routine inspection of the toilet paper after I pee, I noticed very light pinkish-brown discharge and panicked. Yesterday when I went for my beta, I also checked off progesterone on the lab slip. Progesterone takes a while to come back so the results weren't up yesterday when I checked on my beta. This morning after noting the spotting, I immediately checked my progesterone level - it was 3.6.

We consulted with the 24/7 on call RE - otherwise known as Dr. Google. Dr. Google confirmed that 3.6 is way too low. I immediately started icing my ass to do a PIO shot. With the ice on my ass I e-mailed my RE and left a message at my clinic. Without a response, we proceeded with the PIO. My RE did call back shortly after and he too recommended the PIO. I will have a repeat beta and progesterone tomorrow.

In the mean time, R has put me on bed rest. I do have to go to work tomorrow but for today R is not allowing me to do anything. I'm not a very good bed bound patient - I know this from my bed rest days after embryo transfer. R has so much school work to do today. My plan had been to clean the house today while R studied but instead she is tending to my needs. I keep apologizing every time I need something that which only serves to piss her off. Good times at our house.

Beta update

My beta from this morning (10dpIUI) is 14. It's weird to see such a low number but it's still so early (I just have to remind myself of that). I'll go in on Monday for beta #2. I will continue to POAS in the mornings and now I will be starting the careful inspection of the toilet paper after every time that I wipe. God, it's great to be pregnant! Now please, please, please let it stick around this time.

More lines!!!

I'll keep it short and sweet today - we saw more lines!!! I did a FRER and a test from work and saw faint lines on both of them! I just went for a beta and should have results in a few hours. Now I'm back to bed - we woke up at the crack of dawn. Actually R woke up at the crack of dawn and asked me when I was going to get up and pee. Uhmm...I guess now since you just woke me up. We then had to wait until 7am when the lab opened to get my beta. Now it's back to bed.

something is there

As you know, I've been conducting my own pee on a stick experiment to see when the trigger shot left my system. Wednesday at 7dpIUI was my first negative. Yesterday, I also had a negative. I left the test on the bathroom counter and R happened to glance at it almost an hour later and swears that she saw a line (by this point I was already at work). I'm positive that there was no line when I stared at it for the first 15 minutes. The line that she saw was way outside the time window for which to read the test but it still made me all anxious.

Last night I realized the toll that all of this is taking on me. I'm grouchy and not very nice to be around. I'm constantly apologizing to R for being short with her (at this point I'm like 4'2"). Basically I'm totally stressed. I HATE THE 2WW. It's such a mindfuck...it's torture. I took advantage of R having to go to a meeting last night to take sometime for myself. I turned off the TV and the computer (practically cutting myself off from the world as we know it) and did some meditation. I told myself that I will be OK no matter what happens this cycle. I relaxed and found a happier place.

Then this morning the roller coaster started all over again. I got a faint line on the pregnancy test. OMG. It's faint but something is there. Even R saw it during the appropriate time frame this time. Today is only 9dpIUI. I don't really believe it. I'm using my work pregnancy tests which I don't like. I had planned on buying FRER to use for this weekend, now I'm definitely going to go get some. I will test again in the morning. I believe FRER tests, so maybe tomorrow I will let myself get a little excited if I see the second line. I think I will also go tomorrow for that early beta. I'll keep you all posted...

Today is 7dpIUI - that means 7 days of total obsession. The obsession that started mere hours after the IUI with the microscopic inspection of my girly fluids has grown into full psychosomatization of all sort of pregnancy symptoms.

It started on 5dpIUI with cramping which lasted almost all day. We all know that this is too early for implantation. The most likely explanation is constipation but in my head, it was my baby(ies). Today I have been nauseous all day. Once again, total crap...how the fuck can I be nauseous on 7dpIUI. Really, I did a shot of HCG 9 days ago, I haven't been nauseous yet. I have been testing each morning and today was the first morning that my test turned negative. I was using the tests from work which pick up at levels of 30. Thus my HCG level is less than 30 so why the fuck would I be nauseous now and not with levels of say 10,000????

This isn't the first time my mind has played tricks on me. With one of my negative IUI cycles, I gagged every time I brushed my teeth. My mother-in-law said that puking while brushing her teeth was the first sign that she was pregnant. For that cycle, my period was several days away. Tonight I also gagged while brushing my teeth and while taking my prenatal vitamin. Once again, WTF???

If only I was more like the patient I saw last week. A 17 year old girl who came to see me for a sports physical so that she could play a spring sport during her senior year. As part of any adolescent physical we of course discussed sex - she'd tried it twice several months ago "always with a condom". We also discussed her periods - very regular every month with a last menstrual period 1 1/2 weeks before. Then I examined her - when she laid down, there it was. Her bump. The kind of bump where if she was Angelina Jolie or Katie Holmes or Britney Spears she would make cover of People magazine and all the other not as reputable celebrity mags. Hmmm... could it be some sort of abdominal mass (the week before I felt one on a 1 year old kid who turned out to have cancer)? I felt the mass - it was firm up to the level of the belly button. I had her go pee into a cup - the positive line came up before the control line. I had to break the news. Of course she wanted an abortion but I think it's too late. She had no one to talk to so I took into my office and called our ob/gyn doctor on call. They got her in for an u/s the next morning and she's 20 weeks. (I'm not sure if she was able to have an abortion since she was so far along). Obviously very different circumstances but I wish I could wake up and be 20 weeks along.

Black and blue and lumpy all over

Tick, tock, tick tock - time seems to stand still during the dreaded 2 week wait. I feel like the IUI was weeks ago but here I am on day 4 post IUI. I feel nothing. Duh, of course I don't feel a thing - I shouldn't feel anything. From our IVF knowledge, I know that if the egg and sperm managed to find each other and the egg let the sperm in (a much more unlikely process than fertilization via ICSI), that at this point I would not even have a blast yet, much less anything implanting and thus nothing to feel. There is the potential that I have a dividing clump of cells floating down my tubes and into my uterus and that in a few more days it will implant. I will keep hoping for this but by not feeling anything now, it's hard to keep hope alive.

I think I had previously mentioned that the testing that I had done after our last IVF failed, showed that I have a clotting problem (elevated PAI-1 activity - other than a clotting problem, please don't ask what it is b/c it's so complicated that I barely understand it. I have put my best friend from med school who is currently a hematology fellow on the case and am expecting a full report in the next week). My RE had given me the option of baby aspirin which I have already been doing for the past 2 cycles or to move on to heparin. I chose heparin. He mentioned that I would start it at the time of insemination. So on the day of our IUI, I asked him about the heparin prescription. He gave me the prescription but said not to take it until I had a positive pregnancy test. He then gave me a slip for a beta and told me to get a beta in 1 week - as in 7dpIUI. If the beta is more than 5, he said to start the heparin.

While at first I was thrilled that my 2ww would be cut in half, then it hit me. Implantation may not have even taken place by 7dpIUI - so why would I go have a beta done??? I hate seeing those betas of zero. Or worse yet, what if my trigger was still in my system? Then I would get all excited for nothing. Then of course I also wondered if my clotting problem would interfere with implantation. While I have gotten pregnant before and also had a chemical pregnancy and thus I know that those embryos can implant, I didn't have the knowledge of this clotting problem to worry about. So I consulted with my favorite RE, Dr. Google and found plenty of women who take heparin starting at IUI to aid with implantation. Thus I too have started on my heparin. And I have started peeing on a stick (well more like into a cup and then using a dropper to place my urine into the little well on the test) each morning to pin point when my trigger shot is out of my system. So far the test still thinks I'm pregnant.

Getting back to my heparin. I have done a total of 4 shots so far. I already look like R gave me a sound beating. I'm not sure how I will be able to stay on this until November 21st. (Yes, my neurosis also including using a pregnancy calculator immediately after the IUI to figure out my due date). With my 4 shots thus far, I've almost run out of non-bruised tummy fat area. It also leaves a firm nodule under the skin which has given my tummy an unnatural lumpy appearance (not the usual smooth rolling hills of my tummy fat). I will soon be starting on my thighs so that they too have a bruised and lumpy appearance. What's black and blue and lumpy all over? Me!!! And hopefully I will have one big lump in the center of my belly that gets bigger for 9 months! Then I won't bitch too much about anything else.

As for my early test, I will probably go for that beta a few days after my morning pregnancy tests turn negative. I'll keep you all posted.