I have sucked more than usual at posting. I have been reading lots of blogs - I usually sit at the computer while breast feeding, so I only have 1 hand to click on my goggle reader but not 2 hands to actually blog or comment. Right now my in-laws are here and I finally have a free hand. Things are going well. Hudson finally has gotten the hang of breast feeding and it's going much better. He's also had 6 good nights in a row!!! That's putting him down to sleep at 10pm and he wakes up once at 4am and then sleeps until 7am. It's amazing how refreshed I am with only 1 night time waking.
He's also smiling now which just absolutely melts my heart. Life is good!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
Exhausted but here
I've sucked at blogging more than usual lately. I'm here - exhausted most of the time but here. I have all sorts of intentions about blogging everyday but I just don't seem to make it onto the computer to blog. I think of all sorts of things to blog about - in my head I've composed multiple blogs over the past few weeks, they just don't ever really make it out of my head.
Hudson is 4 weeks old. I still can't believe he's here and he's ours. Although I'm quite tired, I'm loving every minute of it (well not every minute - I'm sure those 20 minutes on each boob at 3 in he morning aren't my favorite but you get the jest). Speaking of the boob - breastfeeding has got to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I completely understand why women give up. If I didn't have such strong convictions about breastfeeding, I too would have given up. There have been times when paying 20 something dollars per can of formula seems like a small price to pay. Leave it to the pediatrician's child to lose too much weight (he went down as far as 11% ) and not regain his birth weight until 3 weeks of life (instead of the preferred 10-14 days). Luckily breastfeeding is now going much better. They are even coming tomorrow to take away my hospital grade pump (my insurance covered it for a month). Surely that's a sign that things are going better now.
For those of you who think being a pediatrician somehow makes you immune to worrying about your child's health, I beg to differ. In fact my worrying about the baby's health is taken to a whole different level. Instead of worrying about my son sounding like he has nasal congestion or about dry skin (both things for which I see newborns of first time mom's quite often), I worry about horrible genetic diseases. I'm talking about diseases in which the child appears normal at birth and then the disease is noted at several months of life and the child dies by a year of age. I've had patients with this - although it's very rare, I've had 2 patients with this. I'm not going to mention the specific disease that I'm worried about so that someone out there in blog land doesn't google it and then also becomes a paranoid freak (also I'm not mentioning any more specifics because I don't want to freak R out). Granted there are no signs that our boy has this disease or any other disease for that matter - these are just random things that I worry about. Last week it was his vision, I was convinced that he was blind. I no longer think he's blind.
I do think that all this random worrying is tied into infertility. I'm sure the crack whore who gets knocked up easily and never worries about a miscarriage or a premature baby and who goes on to have a healthy baby never worries about any of this. But after trying so hard for over 3 years and after our combined 4 losses, I'm just still afraid that the fertility gods who finally smiled upon us will say "just kidding" and take him away. You know, just in the same way as we would get a hand full of positive pregnancy tests and then "psych, just kidding" you're not really pregnant, well not in the pregnant and it's going to lead to a baby kind of a way. Infertility fucked with my pregnancy - I was always worried that he would die in utero and now it's still fucking with me and he's in my arms. Shit, when did I become so neurotic. Interestingly, I don't feel that way about the babies inside of R. I don't worry about her miscarrying (even though she has in the past). I just feel that everything will be alright with those babies.
Hudson is 4 weeks old. I still can't believe he's here and he's ours. Although I'm quite tired, I'm loving every minute of it (well not every minute - I'm sure those 20 minutes on each boob at 3 in he morning aren't my favorite but you get the jest). Speaking of the boob - breastfeeding has got to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I completely understand why women give up. If I didn't have such strong convictions about breastfeeding, I too would have given up. There have been times when paying 20 something dollars per can of formula seems like a small price to pay. Leave it to the pediatrician's child to lose too much weight (he went down as far as 11% ) and not regain his birth weight until 3 weeks of life (instead of the preferred 10-14 days). Luckily breastfeeding is now going much better. They are even coming tomorrow to take away my hospital grade pump (my insurance covered it for a month). Surely that's a sign that things are going better now.
For those of you who think being a pediatrician somehow makes you immune to worrying about your child's health, I beg to differ. In fact my worrying about the baby's health is taken to a whole different level. Instead of worrying about my son sounding like he has nasal congestion or about dry skin (both things for which I see newborns of first time mom's quite often), I worry about horrible genetic diseases. I'm talking about diseases in which the child appears normal at birth and then the disease is noted at several months of life and the child dies by a year of age. I've had patients with this - although it's very rare, I've had 2 patients with this. I'm not going to mention the specific disease that I'm worried about so that someone out there in blog land doesn't google it and then also becomes a paranoid freak (also I'm not mentioning any more specifics because I don't want to freak R out). Granted there are no signs that our boy has this disease or any other disease for that matter - these are just random things that I worry about. Last week it was his vision, I was convinced that he was blind. I no longer think he's blind.
I do think that all this random worrying is tied into infertility. I'm sure the crack whore who gets knocked up easily and never worries about a miscarriage or a premature baby and who goes on to have a healthy baby never worries about any of this. But after trying so hard for over 3 years and after our combined 4 losses, I'm just still afraid that the fertility gods who finally smiled upon us will say "just kidding" and take him away. You know, just in the same way as we would get a hand full of positive pregnancy tests and then "psych, just kidding" you're not really pregnant, well not in the pregnant and it's going to lead to a baby kind of a way. Infertility fucked with my pregnancy - I was always worried that he would die in utero and now it's still fucking with me and he's in my arms. Shit, when did I become so neurotic. Interestingly, I don't feel that way about the babies inside of R. I don't worry about her miscarrying (even though she has in the past). I just feel that everything will be alright with those babies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
