Going back to work meant that I had to get out of my sweats and put some real pants on. That brought along the realization that I don't fit into any of my pants. My maternity pants don't fit very well anymore - they're just a bit too big and not to mention, I just don't look as cute in them without the big belly. I mean I wish non-pregnant women could wear elastic waisted pants but I think that's too big of a fashion faux pas even for me (I'm not really the fashion conscious type, more the REI clothing and dansko clogs type).
As for my regular pants, even my pre-pregnancy fat pants are a bit too snug. I can button my fat pants (which does make me proud) but I now have the mother of all muffin tops spooging over. I have no abdominal muscles to speak of and with the extra soft skin my belly just kind of hangs like a spare tire. Damm celebrities they ruin the expectations for all of us. How are they back in pre-pregnancy clothes and some even in bikinis 2 months after having a baby? Does a tummy tuck come standard with the hollywood c-section? In case you are wondering what I am wearing to work these days, I went out and bought new bigger "fat pants".
One thing that certainly doesn't help is having a pregnant wife. Somehow her cravings have become my cravings. I'm sure the trip to Den.ny's this past weekend for pancakes that she had to have wasn't the best thing. And of course I had to also get a side of bacon. By the way, who the hell goes to Den.ny's at 6pm on a Saturday night? Did I mention we were totally sober? Also, the nightly cup of ice cream with magic shell probably isn't too good for me either.
As for working out, my plan had been breast feeding. Hello, isn't this supposed to burn up to 500 calories per day? For real, shouldn't the weight just be falling off -hmmm, I guess not with the trips to Den.ny's and the nightly ice cream. I have started jogging again but only on weekends. By the time I get home from work it's already dark out and I don't like to jog in the dark, not to mention it's cold outside. I don't want to join a gym because I really don't want to be away from Hudson any longer than my work day. So I will be with my baby and I will be fat!
I thought as a motivator I would fess up to my weight, perhaps to make myself accountable for the weight. I did allow R to put pics of me doing my shots and then with my heparin bruised belly on her blog, so why not admit it. I started out the pregnancy about 10 lbs above my ideal weight of 135lbs and my weight at delivery was 171. I'm currently 154 so I'd like to lose another 20 lbs. I just want to fit into my favorite jeans again - right now I can only button 2 out of the 5 buttons.
One more thing about the post-pregnancy belly - when will my belly button return to normal? I went from having a fairly deep innie in which you could not see the base of it, to having an outie during pregnancy. It's now back to being an innie but with a very shallow base and it's huge. Huge as in a dime would fall out and I may even be able to put a nickel in it. Please tell me it'll go back to normal.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
survived
I survived my first week back at work. It's so hard to leave in the mornings when he's awake and happy (it's a little easier when he's asleep, although then I'm tempted to wake him to say good-bye). When he's awake I find myself sticking around for just one more smile and one more smile after that and then I'm practically late for work every morning.
The weekend was great, I barely let the boy out of my sight much less my arms. R is trying to get him on a schedule during the week and I'm sure I totally ruined it on the weekend...you know letting him free feed on the boob whenever he wants but I just couldn't help it.
So now it's on to week 2 back at work. It's funny, I now really look forward to all my newborn visits, having a newborn at home, it gives me something new to bond with the family about. I knew having a baby would make me a better pediatrician and in only my first week back I'm already noticing how the advice I give has changed. I'm much more empathetic especially about breast feeding (aka - the hardest thing I've ever done). I used to enjoy my adolescent visits more than my newborn visits. I really considered specializing in adolescent medicine but didn't want to totally give up seeing my little ones and I also really enjoy getting to know my patients and their families (something you don't get as much in sub-specialty care, especially not in adolescent medicine). Now, I'm so glad I'm a general pediatrician because I'm loving seeing the little ones (makes me miss mine even more).
The weekend was great, I barely let the boy out of my sight much less my arms. R is trying to get him on a schedule during the week and I'm sure I totally ruined it on the weekend...you know letting him free feed on the boob whenever he wants but I just couldn't help it.
So now it's on to week 2 back at work. It's funny, I now really look forward to all my newborn visits, having a newborn at home, it gives me something new to bond with the family about. I knew having a baby would make me a better pediatrician and in only my first week back I'm already noticing how the advice I give has changed. I'm much more empathetic especially about breast feeding (aka - the hardest thing I've ever done). I used to enjoy my adolescent visits more than my newborn visits. I really considered specializing in adolescent medicine but didn't want to totally give up seeing my little ones and I also really enjoy getting to know my patients and their families (something you don't get as much in sub-specialty care, especially not in adolescent medicine). Now, I'm so glad I'm a general pediatrician because I'm loving seeing the little ones (makes me miss mine even more).
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Back to work
My wonderful 9 weeks of taking care of my son's every need has come to an end. On Monday I came back to work. I had mixed feelings about coming back to work. On one hand, I love my job and missed seeing patients. On the other hand, I loved taking care of my boy and knew I would miss him terribly. If I could only strap him into my Mo.by wrap and see patients with him attached...that would be perfect! Ahh, if only I was part of some native South American tribe, then that would be perfectly acceptable. I could see patients in my mountain clinic with my boy on my back - hmm, I guess if I were part of such tribe, I probably wouldn't be a doctor and generally there is no tribe clinic - more like a tribe elder who uses rain forest medicines...but I digress.
It's funny, I always thought that I would get so bored on maternity leave. I'm not the type of person who is at ease just sitting around doing nothing. In residency when my vacations didn't coincide with R's I would go crazy just being at home and not working. I was actually known to go in to the hospital and attend conferences on my vacation if I was in town (and yes, I was made fun of for this). So I thought maternity leave was going to be torturous for me. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed it. I loved taking care of my son. I knew that it would be the only time in my life that I would be the primary caretaker for my child and so I embraced it. Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't return to work and that taking care of my kids would be my new full time job, I would have felt differently (perhaps then I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much). Unlike all the new stay-at-home moms from my infertility support group, I didn't count the hours until I could hand my kid off to someone else and escape. But again, that's probably because I knew my time with Hudson was coming to an end.
R was awesome, she totally let me do the majority of the parenting since she too realized that my time at home was limited. However the fact that she was more hands off led to a minor panic moment when she realized she'd be home alone with him all day - crap, when does he eat and how much???
Monday wasn't bad - Hudson had his 2 month well visit so he came to my work. I was able to breast feed him mid morning and then we went out for lunch. Tuesday was the true test - the longest I've ever been away from him and I survived. Surprisingly I didn't even cry. I guess it helps that I love my job and that I know he's in good hands. He's with his other mom so it's not like I'm leaving him with some stranger. I also get to talk about him all day long as all my patients are asking about him. Sure I can't wait to get home at the end of the day - in fact I bolt out of here and do my charting at home with the boy attached to the boob. In the mean time, I am looking forward to the 6 weeks of leave I'll take when the twins are born!
It's funny, I always thought that I would get so bored on maternity leave. I'm not the type of person who is at ease just sitting around doing nothing. In residency when my vacations didn't coincide with R's I would go crazy just being at home and not working. I was actually known to go in to the hospital and attend conferences on my vacation if I was in town (and yes, I was made fun of for this). So I thought maternity leave was going to be torturous for me. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed it. I loved taking care of my son. I knew that it would be the only time in my life that I would be the primary caretaker for my child and so I embraced it. Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't return to work and that taking care of my kids would be my new full time job, I would have felt differently (perhaps then I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much). Unlike all the new stay-at-home moms from my infertility support group, I didn't count the hours until I could hand my kid off to someone else and escape. But again, that's probably because I knew my time with Hudson was coming to an end.
R was awesome, she totally let me do the majority of the parenting since she too realized that my time at home was limited. However the fact that she was more hands off led to a minor panic moment when she realized she'd be home alone with him all day - crap, when does he eat and how much???
Monday wasn't bad - Hudson had his 2 month well visit so he came to my work. I was able to breast feed him mid morning and then we went out for lunch. Tuesday was the true test - the longest I've ever been away from him and I survived. Surprisingly I didn't even cry. I guess it helps that I love my job and that I know he's in good hands. He's with his other mom so it's not like I'm leaving him with some stranger. I also get to talk about him all day long as all my patients are asking about him. Sure I can't wait to get home at the end of the day - in fact I bolt out of here and do my charting at home with the boy attached to the boob. In the mean time, I am looking forward to the 6 weeks of leave I'll take when the twins are born!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
What a difference a year makes
As is customary this time of year, it is time for a reflection blog. The beauty of blogging is that I can go back both to my own blog and to R's blog and see exactly where we were at this time last year. Last year in December we did our second IVF in which we transferred 2 perfect grade blasts into me and 1 into R. For me it was a beta of zero. I was devastated. I thought I would never get the chance to be pregnant. After all, we had put perfect quality blasts in me and nada, not to mention the 2 previous miscarriages I had experienced. R was pregnant and while I was quite happy for her and for what that meant for us, I couldn't really show her that because I was wallowing in self pitty. I was more sad for me than I was happy for us.
Unfortunately (or would it actually be fortunately), that pregnancy didn't produce a baby for R. Despite her perfect betas and the fact that I was convinced that it was my fucked up body that wouldn't produce a baby but that her body would, R had a blighted ovum and underwent a D&C last January. What a start to the year. When R's pregnancy ended, I decided to go back to trying with my own eggs. I did an injectable IUI cycle in February. I had 6 mature follies and possibly a few others that were a bit smaller. I decided to take the risk. Surely squirting a little sperm in me wouldn't work, not after 2 failed IVFs (with R's eggs). Holy shit was I surprised when I pee sticks turned positive only 9 days post IUI. Actually I was down right scared that I had a small litter in there. Luckily it was only 1 and this time, the baby actually lived. Each ultrasound I expected bad news. In my head, I had already composed my dead baby blog post but luckily that never happened and at 37w3d the boy was born.
In the interim R tried an FET which resulted in another early miscarriage and then she went for it and did IVF #3 also known as the super cycle. She produced 47 eggs! That's more than IVF 1 and 2 combined. And this time it worked - almost too well. So in the year that started out with R being pregnant and me wallowing in self pity about not being pregnant, it ends with me having had a baby and 2 miscarriages later R being pregnant with twins. That's how I will remember 2007.
It's amazing how when trying to conceive it encompasses every aspect of your life. It's hard for me to remember anything else about this year that's not trying to conceive or pregnancy related. Yet there were other events - big ones. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy followed by chemo. She will no doubt remember this year as her cancer year, the year she lost her hair and her energy. However she's now starting 2008 with a new boob, some gray peach fuzz hair and a clean bill of health as of her December PET scan. My brother will remember 2007 as the year he graduated high school and joined the Navy. My sister in law will remember it as the year she got married.
So now for 2008 - I'm looking forward to chaos that will likely be this year. I feel that I am in the calm before the storm right now. The boy (Hudson) is easy. He's a good baby who only fusses when he needs something. At 8 weeks old he only wakes up once per night and he's been doing that for 2 weeks now. Right now life is good. However, soon things will change, not necessarily in a bad way but there will be change - I can't wait!
Unfortunately (or would it actually be fortunately), that pregnancy didn't produce a baby for R. Despite her perfect betas and the fact that I was convinced that it was my fucked up body that wouldn't produce a baby but that her body would, R had a blighted ovum and underwent a D&C last January. What a start to the year. When R's pregnancy ended, I decided to go back to trying with my own eggs. I did an injectable IUI cycle in February. I had 6 mature follies and possibly a few others that were a bit smaller. I decided to take the risk. Surely squirting a little sperm in me wouldn't work, not after 2 failed IVFs (with R's eggs). Holy shit was I surprised when I pee sticks turned positive only 9 days post IUI. Actually I was down right scared that I had a small litter in there. Luckily it was only 1 and this time, the baby actually lived. Each ultrasound I expected bad news. In my head, I had already composed my dead baby blog post but luckily that never happened and at 37w3d the boy was born.
In the interim R tried an FET which resulted in another early miscarriage and then she went for it and did IVF #3 also known as the super cycle. She produced 47 eggs! That's more than IVF 1 and 2 combined. And this time it worked - almost too well. So in the year that started out with R being pregnant and me wallowing in self pity about not being pregnant, it ends with me having had a baby and 2 miscarriages later R being pregnant with twins. That's how I will remember 2007.
It's amazing how when trying to conceive it encompasses every aspect of your life. It's hard for me to remember anything else about this year that's not trying to conceive or pregnancy related. Yet there were other events - big ones. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy followed by chemo. She will no doubt remember this year as her cancer year, the year she lost her hair and her energy. However she's now starting 2008 with a new boob, some gray peach fuzz hair and a clean bill of health as of her December PET scan. My brother will remember 2007 as the year he graduated high school and joined the Navy. My sister in law will remember it as the year she got married.
So now for 2008 - I'm looking forward to chaos that will likely be this year. I feel that I am in the calm before the storm right now. The boy (Hudson) is easy. He's a good baby who only fusses when he needs something. At 8 weeks old he only wakes up once per night and he's been doing that for 2 weeks now. Right now life is good. However, soon things will change, not necessarily in a bad way but there will be change - I can't wait!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Best day after christmas ever
So I'm a little behind, most people are blogging about their reflections of the past year yet I'm just now telling you about Christmas. The best thing about Christmas this year was finding out the genders of my 2 in utero kids! We're having a boy and a girl!!! That's exactly what I wanted. It's funny, remember way back when I first found out that Hudson was going to be a boy and I was so disappointed...well fast forward to November 3rd, the day the boy was born and that I fell totally inlove with him. It's now no longer about me and my desire for a daughter. Instead of 2 girls (which is what I initially wanted before giving birth to Hudson), I now wanted R to have at least 1 boy in there and I would have been OK with 2 boys. I really want Hudson to have a brother. He's already got 2 mommies, having 2 sisters might be too much estrogen in one household for the poor little guy. Now we have the best of both worlds - Hudson gets a brother and we also get a daughter. I am so excited!!! I can't wait to meet them. Oh and I felt my son for the first time 2 nights ago and possibly my daughter as well. After so much heartache and disappointment over the 3 plus years of our TTC journey, it feels good to finally have stuff go our way - we have 1 real life baby and likely 2 more on the way!
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