Thanksgiving was quite uneventful from a family gathering standpoint. My family, who lives across the country, is currently visiting. We enjoyed quite a feast and have been continuing to dine on yummy leftovers.
From an infertility standpoint, things have been happening. I woke up early Thanksgiving morning to a visit from aunt Flo. (I'm not quite sure why I have to use a cute name like aunt Flo to announce that my period started). R's period also came - which is much more important than mine showing up.
I've also started having hot flashes from lupron. I'm the type of person that's always freezing. I sleep with a goose down comforter in the summer, I have a little heater under my desk at work, I always have a sweatshirt with me.... you get the point. So when I suddenly feel like I'm burning up, rip off my sweater and run outside into the cold, only to still be hot outside - it's just bizarre. I've had several more hot flashes since then - each time I'm at a loss for what to do. I just wait in anguish for the hot flashes to pass and then live in fear that they'll return. I've also been getting headaches from the lupron. Last IVF I was also on lupron and didn't have any major side effects. I had 1 hot flash last time and no headaches. It's just weird how the same drug causes different reactions each time. (I'm a doctor so you think that I would understand these things).
We have an u/s Monday morning and hopefully will get the go ahead for R to start stims on Monday evening.
In 4 weeks, we will be pregnant!!! (Beta right around Christmas).
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Responding to my reader
I'm responding to my reader, the one kind soul who left me a comment. For all I know it's my only reader other than R. Thank you - Mama2BandT!
I guess I haven't been very clear on the details of this up coming IVF cycle. Partially that may be to retain some of my anonymity as R also has a blog and it's not an anonymous one. Our situation is a bit different than many, so for some of you avid readers, it won't be too difficult to connect the dots. When I started this blog, I was in a really dark place and wanted a safe space to go off on anyone or anything and not worry about the repercussions of my words. I'm now in a much better place and so I don't think my anonymity is that important anymore - other than to not have my patients or our real life friends identify me. I think it's mostly infertile women who read infertility blogs anyway, so I don't think they'd hold anything against me. (At least not anything that's written while on bcp's, lupron, estrogen, progesterone (PIO) or any other IF drugs).
So here's the story of me (for some reason told in the 3rd person).
Once upon a time in a land far away, there were 2 women who were in love. Although being gay, they were quite conventional in their ways and thus decided to get married before starting a family (or at least have a ceremony with a certificate suitable for framing since the local authorities forbid their kind of marriage). In the weeks leading up the wedding they did all the things that one would do while preparing to start a family... they picked out flowers for the ceremony, they sent out invitations, they had a bridal shower, they researched the sperm banks and picked out a sperm donor, they found a reproductive endocrinologist and made an appointment for the week after the wedding. These women had a master plan. R would get pregnant first since her biological clock was ticking a bit louder. 2-3 years later F would have the second child. Everything seemed picture perfect.
R tried and tried to get pregnant without any luck. She underwent scans and took all sorts of drugs and even had surgery but still, she could not get pregnant. Her only option was IVF but since F was only a resident, that wasn't really an option financially. Besides they had spent all their money on sperm and on paying the RE (who was not very nice and was very expensive). Insurance had not covered a dime because their definition of infertility is sex with a man for a year. And even though some would say that a year of pumping up the ovaries to produce 8 eggs at a time and triggering their release while squirting the sperm directly into the uterus might be a tad bit better than fucking your husband once a month, the insurance company did not see it this way.
F was then promoted to faculty and was able to switch insurances and go to a new RE. The new coverage did not cover IVF but did cover inseminations, so F started trying to get pregnant while R waited for a better job to come around with IVF benefits. Well the gods finally smiled down on this couple because after only 3 months of trying (with injectables b/c F's ovaries don't ever really produce any eggs on their own) F got pregnant. These were wonderful weeks for R and F that were only slightly dampened by F's weekly freak out that something was wrong. So each week F and R went to the RE's office for an ultrasound. The one at 6 weeks was perfect - with a strong heartbeat. Still strong at 7 weeks but bean wasn't growing very well. At 8 weeks the growth was catching up but despite the doctor saying everything looked ok, the heart rate looked slower to F and R. At 9 weeks F freaked out over mild spotting and this time her intuition was correct - bean had died. (The fun story of delivering the perfectly formed fetus while in the men's room of a restaurant will have to be told another time)
2 months later F got a new job and they were finally able to move onto IVF. They decided to put R's embryos into F since F really wanted to be pregnant (more so than R does). 3 perfect embryos were transferred into F. That was followed by 5 days of positive pregnancy tests only to find out that it was just a chemical pregnancy.
So one dead baby and one baby that stuck but didn't grow later, F is feeling a bit gun shy about the abilities of her uterus. Past performances have not gone very well. So this time F is making R participate past the point of egg retrieval. After all, at this point, all the glorious plans of planning out their family have long been lost. So F and R have decided to go for it. They will transfer embryos into both uteruses (is it uteri?) to increase the odds. At some point, you just have to go for it.
I guess I haven't been very clear on the details of this up coming IVF cycle. Partially that may be to retain some of my anonymity as R also has a blog and it's not an anonymous one. Our situation is a bit different than many, so for some of you avid readers, it won't be too difficult to connect the dots. When I started this blog, I was in a really dark place and wanted a safe space to go off on anyone or anything and not worry about the repercussions of my words. I'm now in a much better place and so I don't think my anonymity is that important anymore - other than to not have my patients or our real life friends identify me. I think it's mostly infertile women who read infertility blogs anyway, so I don't think they'd hold anything against me. (At least not anything that's written while on bcp's, lupron, estrogen, progesterone (PIO) or any other IF drugs).
So here's the story of me (for some reason told in the 3rd person).
Once upon a time in a land far away, there were 2 women who were in love. Although being gay, they were quite conventional in their ways and thus decided to get married before starting a family (or at least have a ceremony with a certificate suitable for framing since the local authorities forbid their kind of marriage). In the weeks leading up the wedding they did all the things that one would do while preparing to start a family... they picked out flowers for the ceremony, they sent out invitations, they had a bridal shower, they researched the sperm banks and picked out a sperm donor, they found a reproductive endocrinologist and made an appointment for the week after the wedding. These women had a master plan. R would get pregnant first since her biological clock was ticking a bit louder. 2-3 years later F would have the second child. Everything seemed picture perfect.
R tried and tried to get pregnant without any luck. She underwent scans and took all sorts of drugs and even had surgery but still, she could not get pregnant. Her only option was IVF but since F was only a resident, that wasn't really an option financially. Besides they had spent all their money on sperm and on paying the RE (who was not very nice and was very expensive). Insurance had not covered a dime because their definition of infertility is sex with a man for a year. And even though some would say that a year of pumping up the ovaries to produce 8 eggs at a time and triggering their release while squirting the sperm directly into the uterus might be a tad bit better than fucking your husband once a month, the insurance company did not see it this way.
F was then promoted to faculty and was able to switch insurances and go to a new RE. The new coverage did not cover IVF but did cover inseminations, so F started trying to get pregnant while R waited for a better job to come around with IVF benefits. Well the gods finally smiled down on this couple because after only 3 months of trying (with injectables b/c F's ovaries don't ever really produce any eggs on their own) F got pregnant. These were wonderful weeks for R and F that were only slightly dampened by F's weekly freak out that something was wrong. So each week F and R went to the RE's office for an ultrasound. The one at 6 weeks was perfect - with a strong heartbeat. Still strong at 7 weeks but bean wasn't growing very well. At 8 weeks the growth was catching up but despite the doctor saying everything looked ok, the heart rate looked slower to F and R. At 9 weeks F freaked out over mild spotting and this time her intuition was correct - bean had died. (The fun story of delivering the perfectly formed fetus while in the men's room of a restaurant will have to be told another time)
2 months later F got a new job and they were finally able to move onto IVF. They decided to put R's embryos into F since F really wanted to be pregnant (more so than R does). 3 perfect embryos were transferred into F. That was followed by 5 days of positive pregnancy tests only to find out that it was just a chemical pregnancy.
So one dead baby and one baby that stuck but didn't grow later, F is feeling a bit gun shy about the abilities of her uterus. Past performances have not gone very well. So this time F is making R participate past the point of egg retrieval. After all, at this point, all the glorious plans of planning out their family have long been lost. So F and R have decided to go for it. They will transfer embryos into both uteruses (is it uteri?) to increase the odds. At some point, you just have to go for it.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Pregnant People Everywhere....And I'm OK?!?!
In the past week I've had 4 pregnant teenagers in my practice. That's way more than usual for me. 3 of the 4 did not know that they were pregnant...well they kind of thought that they might be but they didn't for sure. I got to break the news to them (when you're telling a 15 year old that they are pregnant, somehow it's not that exciting. Not like the RE telling me that I am pregnant). The 4th one had gone to a county clinic first and taken a pregnancy test. Of the 4 she was the only one who planned on going through with the pregnancy. The other 3 all wanted abortions. It all made me so sad for these girls. Not the abortion part because I am totally pro-choice and have no problem giving the girls the necessary resources to have an abortion.
The part that makes me sad is that here, I am, a person with all the resources to provide a good life for a child and I'm trying so hard to get pregnant and having very little/no success. Yet these girls get pregnant so easily at a time when it's just not right for them. In the past when I have had positive pregnancy tests, it's been a very happy time. I can't imagine that same moment - the momentous appearance of 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test - being a time of shear panic. That's the part that makes me sad.
We also got news this week that one of our best friends is pregnant. She started trying several months before we did - 2 1/2 years ago. She got pregnant on her 6th cycle, right around the time we started trying. They now have a 2 year old and have been trying for the past 7 months for #2. Well it worked and they are now pregnant with #2 while we're still trying for #1. Here's the real shocking part. The part where I know all my positive thinking is starting work. I'M NOT BITTER.
This is a really weird feeling - the not being bitter part. I'm actually really happy for them and I believe in the next few weeks I will be able to share my really good news with them too. I'm believing all the crap I keep telling myself about how it's going to work this time. I've emerged from the dark place that I was in and I'm now in a bright, sun filled room (it's so bright that it's blinding). I wasn't sure how I would react to hearing that they were pregnant. I thought I would be envious and I hoped that it wouldn't affect our friendship. But now I know that it definitely won't affect it.
They say that good things happen in 3s. I'm hoping that our friend's pg is #1 and R and I are #2 and #3. That would be great.
On a side note - last night was my last birth control pill. I'm still on the lupron. Next u/s is on Monday.
The part that makes me sad is that here, I am, a person with all the resources to provide a good life for a child and I'm trying so hard to get pregnant and having very little/no success. Yet these girls get pregnant so easily at a time when it's just not right for them. In the past when I have had positive pregnancy tests, it's been a very happy time. I can't imagine that same moment - the momentous appearance of 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test - being a time of shear panic. That's the part that makes me sad.
We also got news this week that one of our best friends is pregnant. She started trying several months before we did - 2 1/2 years ago. She got pregnant on her 6th cycle, right around the time we started trying. They now have a 2 year old and have been trying for the past 7 months for #2. Well it worked and they are now pregnant with #2 while we're still trying for #1. Here's the real shocking part. The part where I know all my positive thinking is starting work. I'M NOT BITTER.
This is a really weird feeling - the not being bitter part. I'm actually really happy for them and I believe in the next few weeks I will be able to share my really good news with them too. I'm believing all the crap I keep telling myself about how it's going to work this time. I've emerged from the dark place that I was in and I'm now in a bright, sun filled room (it's so bright that it's blinding). I wasn't sure how I would react to hearing that they were pregnant. I thought I would be envious and I hoped that it wouldn't affect our friendship. But now I know that it definitely won't affect it.
They say that good things happen in 3s. I'm hoping that our friend's pg is #1 and R and I are #2 and #3. That would be great.
On a side note - last night was my last birth control pill. I'm still on the lupron. Next u/s is on Monday.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Relaxation
In my attempt to remain in a totally zen place for the upcoming IVF cycle, I am trying to meditate, I'm getting massages and I'm going to acupuncture (which is also supposed to help me get and stay pregnant). Usually during acupuncture I just lay there and think about getting pregnant. I try to visualize all the things that will happen to my body and wait to hear the little timer outside my door go off. I appreciate the 30-45 minute break in my usually hectic schedule but I don't necessarily feel some deep sense of relaxation.
There are even times during my acupuncture sessions that I lay there, trying to make myself meditate about being pregnant but mostly I am wondering how much time I have left. Then when I finally hear the buzzer, I get all excited about being done. Last week was one of those weeks. And once the buzzer finally went off, nobody came in. It was so disappointing. Someone turned off the buzzer but no one came in. I wanted to yell out "hello, it's me in room 2. My buzzer went off, I'm done. Come get the needles out of me". I even had the thought, "Hell, I'm a doctor, I can take needles out myself". What seemed like hours later my acupuncturist finally came in to take the needles out. Unfortunately, I still wasn't done. He then wanted to needle my back. At least my back is usually less time than my front but once again, no one came when my timer buzzed. I was so thrilled to be done.
Last night however, was totally different. For the first time, I felt a deep sense of relaxation and I even fell asleep. I was actually pissed off when the timer went off because it woke me up. How dare it wake me up. I didn't want the session to end. I hope this means that it's finally working.
I also got a massage this week. I went to the usual spa that I go to but I had a different masseuse. She was just ok. She used way too much massage oil. I had to use the sheet to wipe myself off at the end before getting dressed. I love touch, so I still enjoyed the massage but I won't be going back to her. Also the music in the room was really crappy. Usually it's relaxation music but this time it was soft hits of the 80's, 90's and today minus the words. I think this is commonly referred to as elevator music. I played a little game to see how long it would take me to figure out the song. It was amazing that I knew most of the words to bad slow songs that I haven't heard in years. Songs like Micheal Bolton's "Have I told you lately that I love you" (well I assumed it was his version of the song but again, no words), I sang along in my head. There were a few good songs like Sarah Mclachlan's Adia but overall it was one long elevator ride.
There are even times during my acupuncture sessions that I lay there, trying to make myself meditate about being pregnant but mostly I am wondering how much time I have left. Then when I finally hear the buzzer, I get all excited about being done. Last week was one of those weeks. And once the buzzer finally went off, nobody came in. It was so disappointing. Someone turned off the buzzer but no one came in. I wanted to yell out "hello, it's me in room 2. My buzzer went off, I'm done. Come get the needles out of me". I even had the thought, "Hell, I'm a doctor, I can take needles out myself". What seemed like hours later my acupuncturist finally came in to take the needles out. Unfortunately, I still wasn't done. He then wanted to needle my back. At least my back is usually less time than my front but once again, no one came when my timer buzzed. I was so thrilled to be done.
Last night however, was totally different. For the first time, I felt a deep sense of relaxation and I even fell asleep. I was actually pissed off when the timer went off because it woke me up. How dare it wake me up. I didn't want the session to end. I hope this means that it's finally working.
I also got a massage this week. I went to the usual spa that I go to but I had a different masseuse. She was just ok. She used way too much massage oil. I had to use the sheet to wipe myself off at the end before getting dressed. I love touch, so I still enjoyed the massage but I won't be going back to her. Also the music in the room was really crappy. Usually it's relaxation music but this time it was soft hits of the 80's, 90's and today minus the words. I think this is commonly referred to as elevator music. I played a little game to see how long it would take me to figure out the song. It was amazing that I knew most of the words to bad slow songs that I haven't heard in years. Songs like Micheal Bolton's "Have I told you lately that I love you" (well I assumed it was his version of the song but again, no words), I sang along in my head. There were a few good songs like Sarah Mclachlan's Adia but overall it was one long elevator ride.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Silence in the Waiting Room
R and I both had our ultrasounds this week and all everything looks great to start this cycle. We both start lupron tomorrow. I must admit that I'm really excited to start sticking myself tomorrow night. It means that things are finally starting again! That we are finally doing things again to get pregnant and not just talking about our next cycle! I know we've been doing other things like acupuncture but that just doesn't feel very proactive. Nothing says proactive like jabbing a needle into your own stomach... and I'm actually excited about that! Man, this IVF thing really changes one's perspective on things.
So I'm sure everyone has notice how nobody talks in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Never mind talking, people don't really even make eye contact. Everyone just looks down or buries their nose in a magazine. Occasionally I catch someones eye and they offer some pathetic half smile. WTF??? I know no one is happy to be there. In fact, I'm sure we can all agree that it sucks to have to go through infertility treatments. I mean no one likes to have more intimate moments with the dildo cam than with an actual dildo (or a real live penis for my straight audience out there). But for real, we're all going through the same damm thing.
On line people share all sort of details like their cervical mucous and bleeding/spotting. We talk about all sort of lab results including husbands' sperm counts and intimate details of our inner plumbing (hysteroscopy results). Yet in person we can't seem to say 2 words. The one time R did break the silence and talk to someone, it was a woman who was actively having a miscarriage several weeks after IVF and was there for her ultrasound to confirm it. While that was a horrible conversation to strike up, R was able to share with her our miscarriage experiences.
Since we're going to be at the the RE's office quite often in the upcoming weeks, R has decided to try to talk to people in the waiting room. We'll see how our little social experiment goes. Any thoughts???
So I'm sure everyone has notice how nobody talks in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Never mind talking, people don't really even make eye contact. Everyone just looks down or buries their nose in a magazine. Occasionally I catch someones eye and they offer some pathetic half smile. WTF??? I know no one is happy to be there. In fact, I'm sure we can all agree that it sucks to have to go through infertility treatments. I mean no one likes to have more intimate moments with the dildo cam than with an actual dildo (or a real live penis for my straight audience out there). But for real, we're all going through the same damm thing.
On line people share all sort of details like their cervical mucous and bleeding/spotting. We talk about all sort of lab results including husbands' sperm counts and intimate details of our inner plumbing (hysteroscopy results). Yet in person we can't seem to say 2 words. The one time R did break the silence and talk to someone, it was a woman who was actively having a miscarriage several weeks after IVF and was there for her ultrasound to confirm it. While that was a horrible conversation to strike up, R was able to share with her our miscarriage experiences.
Since we're going to be at the the RE's office quite often in the upcoming weeks, R has decided to try to talk to people in the waiting room. We'll see how our little social experiment goes. Any thoughts???
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
So since you now know that IVF #2 is fast approaching, I can admit that it's all I think about. I'm so0000 ready to start. R has a great attitude going into this and I'm trying to do the same. Every time that I think about it, I force myself to think - I will be pregnant in a few weeks. It's really become my mantra. I then try to visualize all the changes that are going to happen to my body, starting from the embies snuggling into my nice thick lining and getting as technical as my body increasing it's production of red blood cells and trying to picture the muscle fibers of my uterus growing to accomodate the growing baby. I'm even going as far as to picture the birth. I need to visualize all of it to make myself believe that it will happen.
On my 1st pregnancy, I always worried about a miscarriage. Even though I was 29 and healthy and had gotten pregnant on my 3rd IUI with injectables, I still worried. I had scheduled a medical procedure before I got pregnant and once I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't even cancel it. The procedure was going to be when I was about4 months pregnant. I figured I would wait until closer to the date and then if I was still pregnant, I would cancel it. Since the baby died at 9wks, I was able to have the procedure. What kind of woman does this? Wouldn't most women cancel the second they found out they were pregnant ( I could not have the procedure while pregnant). And trust me, it's not a procedure I wanted to do. So it was like I had a sick premonition or else my brain sabotaged me.
Then with the second pregnancy, R was thrilled when I had 3 days of positive home pregnancy tests followed by a positive first beta. I however was very guarded and said, "well let's wait and see what the 2nd beta is since it could be a chemical pregnancy". And shit, sure enough it was a chemical pregnancy. Again, am I some sort of fucking clairvoyant (in which case why do my abilities only predict dead babies and not the damm lottery numbers) or again, is my brain sabotaging me?
So with this pregnancy, I'm going to get pregnant and stay that way for 40 weeks (or at least 37 weeks). My brain will not fuck this one up. I will have a baby this time!!!
On my 1st pregnancy, I always worried about a miscarriage. Even though I was 29 and healthy and had gotten pregnant on my 3rd IUI with injectables, I still worried. I had scheduled a medical procedure before I got pregnant and once I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't even cancel it. The procedure was going to be when I was about4 months pregnant. I figured I would wait until closer to the date and then if I was still pregnant, I would cancel it. Since the baby died at 9wks, I was able to have the procedure. What kind of woman does this? Wouldn't most women cancel the second they found out they were pregnant ( I could not have the procedure while pregnant). And trust me, it's not a procedure I wanted to do. So it was like I had a sick premonition or else my brain sabotaged me.
Then with the second pregnancy, R was thrilled when I had 3 days of positive home pregnancy tests followed by a positive first beta. I however was very guarded and said, "well let's wait and see what the 2nd beta is since it could be a chemical pregnancy". And shit, sure enough it was a chemical pregnancy. Again, am I some sort of fucking clairvoyant (in which case why do my abilities only predict dead babies and not the damm lottery numbers) or again, is my brain sabotaging me?
So with this pregnancy, I'm going to get pregnant and stay that way for 40 weeks (or at least 37 weeks). My brain will not fuck this one up. I will have a baby this time!!!
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Celebrity News & Ramblings
I can't believe I'm about to admit this. I know I'm about to lose some of my credibility as a professional woman in my 30's. But I used to be a Britney Spears fan. I don't mean in the past few years in which her white trash side became painfully obvious. I'm talking back in the days of her "Slave" video and hot award show performances. Then I started to resent Britney. See Britney was able to do all the things that I couldn't. Britney got drunk and married a childhood friend on a whim. I however have been with my wife ( a term that I use loosely since marriage for me is not really an option) for over 6 years. We own a home together, pay taxes and are law abiding citizens yet we can't get married - but Britney can. Then after a quicky annulment Britney gets married again, this time for more than 55 hours and then she decides to have a baby. And bam, there she is - instantly pregnant. Once again Britney was doing what I can't seem to be able to do. Not only does she have 1 baby but 12 months after the first she has a second.
Now Britney is getting divorced. HA. I finally have something she doesn't. Besides the fact that I'm not white trash, I have a wonderful relationship that is rock solid. Even with 2 hormonal women going through IVF, we are able to overcome the hormonal rages and remain a strong couple. And our failures, including my miscarriage and chemical pregnancy, only serve to bring us closer. So finally, I have one up on Britney. Not that Britney is comparing herself to me but still, it's nice to have some vindication.
I also heard today that Pamela Anderson had a miscarriage this week. I want to thank Pam for going public with the news of her miscarriage. All to often people keep it a big secret. It's not until you have one that you find out about others. When I had my miscarriage earlier this year, I e-mailed my entire department to tell them that I would not be at work for at least a week and I was honest as to why. I received so many e-mails from people that I had worked with for years who revealed that they too had had one or more miscarriages. I had become a member of the club. So I now welcome Pam to the club and again thank her for being open. I think the more open and honest people there are out there the less likely there will need to have a club.
Now Britney is getting divorced. HA. I finally have something she doesn't. Besides the fact that I'm not white trash, I have a wonderful relationship that is rock solid. Even with 2 hormonal women going through IVF, we are able to overcome the hormonal rages and remain a strong couple. And our failures, including my miscarriage and chemical pregnancy, only serve to bring us closer. So finally, I have one up on Britney. Not that Britney is comparing herself to me but still, it's nice to have some vindication.
I also heard today that Pamela Anderson had a miscarriage this week. I want to thank Pam for going public with the news of her miscarriage. All to often people keep it a big secret. It's not until you have one that you find out about others. When I had my miscarriage earlier this year, I e-mailed my entire department to tell them that I would not be at work for at least a week and I was honest as to why. I received so many e-mails from people that I had worked with for years who revealed that they too had had one or more miscarriages. I had become a member of the club. So I now welcome Pam to the club and again thank her for being open. I think the more open and honest people there are out there the less likely there will need to have a club.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Gearing Up For Round Two
I haven't really mentioned our upcoming IVF cycle. Initially it was because I was scared shitless of doing it all again.... Of all the shots, well mostly of the PIO shots, of getting my hopes up, of having a handful of positive pregnancy tests and a positive first beta only to have it not double, of being pregnant only to have the baby die inside of me. While I really want a baby (or 2 or 3), the process of getting there scares the shit out of me. And while I kept telling myself that every healthy baby that's born alive starts out with a positive HPT, it just wasn't enough to keep my hopes us.
With our original schedule we would be getting set for egg retrieval in the next few days. I think the rapid pace of things is part of what was scaring me. We ended up getting moved back to December and I was able to breath a big sigh of relief. Why a December IVF didn't bother me as much as a November IVF is beyond me but it didn't. So now we're gearing up to start again. We should be getting our giant box-o-meds in the next few days and the injections start next week.
The irony of this cycle is that our projected embryo transfer date is on what would have been my due date from my first pregnancy. Is that a good sign? Or a really freakin bad sign? In a new found optimism, I'm going to go with that being a good sign (although the thought of a new embryo going into my uterus on the day that a full grown baby was supposed to come out is just a weird thought).
I keep trying to stick to the mantra that worked so well for our very fertile friend.... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks! This is the only thing that I thought about during my last acupuncture session.
Oh shit. Do you hear it. It's fucking loud and clear. There is optimism here! There is also hope. I'm not sure how or why but it has crept in again and it is taking over. It's evident in many aspects of my IF life. I'm posting happy messages to the women on my message board - congratulating them on their BFP's or on their good ER or fert rates. I'm truely disappointed when I hear about a BFN or a m/c (versus in my darker days when I would almost derive a bit of satisfaction from them - agg, I can't believe I admitted that). So there it is - I'm returning to my bright and cheery, optimistic self. Now I'm not sure what scares me more, IVF or my attitude setting me up for big disappointment ahead. No, I will not think like that... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks.
With our original schedule we would be getting set for egg retrieval in the next few days. I think the rapid pace of things is part of what was scaring me. We ended up getting moved back to December and I was able to breath a big sigh of relief. Why a December IVF didn't bother me as much as a November IVF is beyond me but it didn't. So now we're gearing up to start again. We should be getting our giant box-o-meds in the next few days and the injections start next week.
The irony of this cycle is that our projected embryo transfer date is on what would have been my due date from my first pregnancy. Is that a good sign? Or a really freakin bad sign? In a new found optimism, I'm going to go with that being a good sign (although the thought of a new embryo going into my uterus on the day that a full grown baby was supposed to come out is just a weird thought).
I keep trying to stick to the mantra that worked so well for our very fertile friend.... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks! This is the only thing that I thought about during my last acupuncture session.
Oh shit. Do you hear it. It's fucking loud and clear. There is optimism here! There is also hope. I'm not sure how or why but it has crept in again and it is taking over. It's evident in many aspects of my IF life. I'm posting happy messages to the women on my message board - congratulating them on their BFP's or on their good ER or fert rates. I'm truely disappointed when I hear about a BFN or a m/c (versus in my darker days when I would almost derive a bit of satisfaction from them - agg, I can't believe I admitted that). So there it is - I'm returning to my bright and cheery, optimistic self. Now I'm not sure what scares me more, IVF or my attitude setting me up for big disappointment ahead. No, I will not think like that... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks.
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