So since you now know that IVF #2 is fast approaching, I can admit that it's all I think about. I'm so0000 ready to start. R has a great attitude going into this and I'm trying to do the same. Every time that I think about it, I force myself to think - I will be pregnant in a few weeks. It's really become my mantra. I then try to visualize all the changes that are going to happen to my body, starting from the embies snuggling into my nice thick lining and getting as technical as my body increasing it's production of red blood cells and trying to picture the muscle fibers of my uterus growing to accomodate the growing baby. I'm even going as far as to picture the birth. I need to visualize all of it to make myself believe that it will happen.

On my 1st pregnancy, I always worried about a miscarriage. Even though I was 29 and healthy and had gotten pregnant on my 3rd IUI with injectables, I still worried. I had scheduled a medical procedure before I got pregnant and once I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't even cancel it. The procedure was going to be when I was about4 months pregnant. I figured I would wait until closer to the date and then if I was still pregnant, I would cancel it. Since the baby died at 9wks, I was able to have the procedure. What kind of woman does this? Wouldn't most women cancel the second they found out they were pregnant ( I could not have the procedure while pregnant). And trust me, it's not a procedure I wanted to do. So it was like I had a sick premonition or else my brain sabotaged me.

Then with the second pregnancy, R was thrilled when I had 3 days of positive home pregnancy tests followed by a positive first beta. I however was very guarded and said, "well let's wait and see what the 2nd beta is since it could be a chemical pregnancy". And shit, sure enough it was a chemical pregnancy. Again, am I some sort of fucking clairvoyant (in which case why do my abilities only predict dead babies and not the damm lottery numbers) or again, is my brain sabotaging me?

So with this pregnancy, I'm going to get pregnant and stay that way for 40 weeks (or at least 37 weeks). My brain will not fuck this one up. I will have a baby this time!!!