none of your business

I'm really sick of people asking if I have kids. Especially patients' parents. They ask, usually after we've discussed something important related to their child. Like today when a first time mom of a newborn told me that she prefers to put her baby to sleep on her stomach because the baby sleeps better than on her back. I explained to her why we recommend putting the baby on her back to sleep (decreased SIDS risk). I also explained that even though all of us were likely put on our stomachs to sleep when we were babies and obviously we made it out of infancy alive, we now have many studies that have shown that putting babies on their backs to sleep cut down the incidence of SIDS in the US by 50%. So while it is her decision, if she was one of the unlucky ones whose baby dies of SIDS and it happened to be tummy sleeping, would she always blame herself? It really helped that the patient's grandmother (mom's mom) was nodding and practically saying "amen" to everything that I was saying.

Getting back to my point, we finish this little discussion and then she went there - "so do you have children?". FUCK. Yes, I have 2 children. One should be 28-29 weeks now but died around 20 weeks ago. Although she was such a sweetheart, she stuck around for a week dead inside my uterus before I even knew about it. My second child should be almost 10 weeks now but that one decided not to grow pretty much from the get go. OK, so I really didn't go there this time. Instead, I said "not yet" and smiled. I did add, "I have been trying for a while now" - so that they would squirm a bit and perhaps think twice about asking. I'm sure they didn't get it but I had to say it.

It's been a fun morning. The patient before that was an adorable 18 month old whose mommy was expecting "baby brother" in January. The saving grace for me was that mom just looked fat and not really pregnant. I gave her my fake smile congratulations.

The patient that I really like is the mom that I know was on heparin shots throughout her pregnancy because she had 3 miscarriages before this child and the mom who did IVF with donor eggs. For them I give them my real smile and my sincere congratulations. They have graduated from my club (by my club, I don't mean that the club is mine but rather I'm a member too)! I know with many infertiles, once they have a child, they forget somewhat about being an infertile and try to blend in with all the "oops" moms and pretend they haven't spent their child's college money just trying to conceive the child. So do feel free to share your struggles with other. If you want my sympathy, please do share your horror stories and maybe I'll share mine.

I don't have a specific direction for my blog today. No specific story to convey to you today.

I'm feeling kind of bitter today - I think due to a fight (mostly of my picking) that R and I had last night. I felt I wasn't getting enough attention from her as her sister called during some us/pillow talk time and she chose to chat it up with her sister instead of calling her back some other time. It really pissed me off and I definitely let her know about it. That's not a normal reaction for me but it's where I went last night. The pill is making me extra hormonal (I cry for many TV comercials these days) but I hate to use that as an excuse. I'm also tired and cranky as I haven't had a day off in 10 days (and that included working the weekend with multiple pages throughout the night).

While working this weekend in a small town in which I cover a local hospital for the local pediatricians I had a thought on how to finance IVF or a get rich quick scheme. This came to me in the middle of the night when I couldn't fall back asleep in between pages from the ER and after seeing all the church things that the family that I stayed with have accumulated. Mind you all these church things and church sponsored courses that they take are not cheap. So my thought is - Christian porn. You would get married "christian" couples to participate and that would be the christian component. Perhaps in the begining of the tape they could talk about their commitment to one another and to god or something of the sort. You could have some average looking folks - folks you would see sitting in the pew next to you in church (the neighborly greeting "peace be with you" part of the service would be more fun). You would then also have to have some hot younger christian couples to satisfy the fantasy component that porn should satisfy. So what do you think? I totally think there would be a market for this.

Marcia Cross is having my babies

So I saw a picture last week of Marcia Cross (aka Bree from desperate housewives) in one of the gossip magazines. It had a big arrow that pointed to her belly and the caption of "Marcia's new bump". The caption went on to mention that Marcia is due in April. I was supposed to be due in April with my IVF baby(ies) (if we go back to my previous pregnancy then I should be about 28 weeks...but we won't go there). So great, now I'll have to look at pictures of Marcia pregnant for the next 7 months and inevitably I will compare myself to her. I will always think - that's how big my belly should be.

So this week I read on-line that Marcia is having twins. I am not some celebrity stalker (although I do like to read People magazine) and I did not go out seeking information on Marcia's pregnancy. I simply turned on my computer and there it was - front page ( or at least main screen) news. With my IVF, we put 3 embryos into me. We worried briefly about what we would do if all 3 stuck. That now seems so silly of us. We hoped that it was twins and were somewhat disappointed that my first beta was only 37. To us that mean that I was pregnant only with one. Even that didn't pan out. Now I will watch Marcia's pregnancy of her twins as it unfolds and think - that should have been me.

On a side note my bitterness is starting to decrease slightly. There is a part of me that thinks you go girl - Marcia is 44 yrs old and was recently married. I'm not sure if these are natural twins or not but either way that still rocks. The F of several weeks ago would not have thought this way ...progress is being made and I haven't even started seeing a therapist. (My wife, R, really wants me to see one. I do think it's a good idea especially as we look ahead to IVF #2)

sorry you asked

So last week I was seeing this absolutely adorable baby for a well child visit. I remember wondering if my baby would look like this one - she had reddish hair and big green eyes and seemed to resemble some of my baby pictures. Just then the mother starts on this whole big speech about how wonderful it is to have a child. She mentions how she was finally ready for a child and decided to get pregnant and how easy and perfect it all was. Of course wanting me to share in her joy she then asks me if I have a child. I smile politely and give her my standard response of "not yet". She then proceeds to tell me how when I'm ready it will be just the most wonderful and magical experience ever. Well I just couldn't bite my tongue. The whole encounter had already been too much for me. And even though the little voice in my head that represents my wife was telling me to keep my mouth shut and just finish the physical, I couldn't...and yes, I went there.

I responded to her comment about being ready by saying, that I've been ready for several years but that I have infertility problems. I then rejoiced in watching her scramble to figure out what to say next. It was my slightly sadistic moment, and I loved it. I must admit though, she was able to regain her footing pretty well. She said a good friend of hers had gone through IF problems and that she knew how difficult it was. She said her friend now had a baby through IVF. At that point my wife's voice won the battle in my head and I smiled and nodded and sent her and her cute baby on their way to get their vaccinations. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my IVF failed just a few weeks ago.

The begining

Well this really isn't the begining but rather it's somewhere in the middle of my infertility journey - hopefully nearing the end. But as far as blogging goes, this is my first attempt. I've been posting on the infertility message boards for a while now but I'm sick of fake congratulating people that I don't know on their BFP's (big fat positive in IF message board talk). Maybe if I had a BFP that decided to hang around for some significant length of time, I wouldn't be so bitter. So I thought I would exude my current negativity out on the world or at least the 1 to 2 people that may be reading this.

The other reason for starting a blog is so that I can also be out. No not as a lesbian, although I am one of those too. But rather, out as a pediatrician. I've chosen not to reveal my profession on the IF message boards for several reasons. First of all, everyone on the boards gives "medical advice" such as "yes your cervical mucous sounds very normal" and "the antagon, gonal-f, repronex protocol works well for poor responders". I don't want anyone to take my "medical advice" as real medical advice since I'm a physician, after all I'm a pediatrician not an RE or even an OB/GYN. The second reason not be out as a physician on the message boards is that many women like to doctor bash on there. I too will sometimes engage in venting publicly about my RE (even though I think he's great most of the time). I just want the other women to vent freely and not worry about the other doctor in the room.

So here I am...now you know, I'm a lesbian pediatrician trying unsuccessfully to have a child. Welcome to my inner ramblings...