Gearing Up For Round Two

I haven't really mentioned our upcoming IVF cycle. Initially it was because I was scared shitless of doing it all again.... Of all the shots, well mostly of the PIO shots, of getting my hopes up, of having a handful of positive pregnancy tests and a positive first beta only to have it not double, of being pregnant only to have the baby die inside of me. While I really want a baby (or 2 or 3), the process of getting there scares the shit out of me. And while I kept telling myself that every healthy baby that's born alive starts out with a positive HPT, it just wasn't enough to keep my hopes us.

With our original schedule we would be getting set for egg retrieval in the next few days. I think the rapid pace of things is part of what was scaring me. We ended up getting moved back to December and I was able to breath a big sigh of relief. Why a December IVF didn't bother me as much as a November IVF is beyond me but it didn't. So now we're gearing up to start again. We should be getting our giant box-o-meds in the next few days and the injections start next week.

The irony of this cycle is that our projected embryo transfer date is on what would have been my due date from my first pregnancy. Is that a good sign? Or a really freakin bad sign? In a new found optimism, I'm going to go with that being a good sign (although the thought of a new embryo going into my uterus on the day that a full grown baby was supposed to come out is just a weird thought).

I keep trying to stick to the mantra that worked so well for our very fertile friend.... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks! This is the only thing that I thought about during my last acupuncture session.

Oh shit. Do you hear it. It's fucking loud and clear. There is optimism here! There is also hope. I'm not sure how or why but it has crept in again and it is taking over. It's evident in many aspects of my IF life. I'm posting happy messages to the women on my message board - congratulating them on their BFP's or on their good ER or fert rates. I'm truely disappointed when I hear about a BFN or a m/c (versus in my darker days when I would almost derive a bit of satisfaction from them - agg, I can't believe I admitted that). So there it is - I'm returning to my bright and cheery, optimistic self. Now I'm not sure what scares me more, IVF or my attitude setting me up for big disappointment ahead. No, I will not think like that... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks... I will be pregnant in 7 weeks.