Yesterday was not a good day. I barely slept the night before and I wasn't quite sure why. I tossed and turned all night. When I did have a few minutes of sleep, I remember having some vivid fucked up dreams. Within a few minutes of getting up in the morning, my tummy started acting up (and not in the morning sickness kind of a way but rather the other end).
I spent most of the day near the bathroom. I was crampy and although I thought it was most likely GI cramps - it was still in my lower abdomen and it freaked me out. I felt nauseous as well but never puked. I also just felt weird, not myself. We were having friends over for dinner so I vacuumed the house which left me totally exhausted. My entire body was achy - my back hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt. I made it through dinner which was actually a mellow cook out with some of our best friends only to quickly make it a calorie free dinner with some cha-cha-cha action. I was petrified that I was getting a fever which I know at this stage can mean the kiss of death for a developing embryo. I was also certain that my body was rejecting the embryo(s). That my flu like aches were due to my body rejecting the embryo (possibly Natural Killer (NK) cells killing it off - my RE is not a fan of the diagnosis of NK cells or it's treatment (IVIg), thus it's the one thing that I haven't been tested for).
Convinced that something was wrong, I decided that I needed a beta today...so I went and got one. And to my surprise, it's really high. It went from 255 on 15dpo to 2235 on 18dpo. That's a 22 hour doubling time. Holy shit - now I'm convinced that it's twins and I'm kind of scared. I know I wanted twins but I have a really short torso, how will my body carry twins? (R's body is meant for twins with her long torso) I have long legs, but they not really good for twins. I know these are random fucked up thoughts but it's what I'm thinking. And why can't I seem to enjoy any part of this? Why am I all worried about every single little thing - betas too high? betas too low? only 1 baby? OMG possibly more than one baby? no baby at all? molar pregnancy? baby that dies? All these thoughts rush into my head. It's frustrating since I'm normally not a neurotic person. It's only TTCing that makes me a crazy person.
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7 comments:
First off, I am SOOOO shortwaisted and I carried Nate and Julia without that even coming into play until the very end...and all it did was make it easier for Julia to dance on my bladder and Nate to give me some good lung compression. LOL. But really, it wasn't bad.
Secondly, the enjoying it thing...I can't lie to you -- it doesn't go away. I feel like I spent my entire pregnancy in some constant state of fear/worry. It's IF. It really is. I'm sorry. The best you can do is just be conscious of it and recognize when it's getting the better of you...
Hang in there....Can't wait for that u/s!
It's just a little bit of hell, TTC, when you have been through the shit that you have been through.
Delurking. I read Jennifer's blog and have been dropping in on your blog now and then for a while now. I'm sorry I haven't commented before. Let me first say how sorry I am for all you two have been through and really hope this is it for you. I had twins (16 mo. now) ... always thought I'd have a good body for carrying a baby or two, but I totally carried out front, not to the sides at all, and they did come early maybe partly because they were big babies and there wasn't enough room for them anymore. Everything turned out fine, though, so if you do end up being pregnant w/twins, it will probably be okay. Also, I remember having diarrhea in early pregnancy a lot and being scared about it. But then that went away, and I puked for the rest of my pregnancy. I really hope things turn out well for you, and I'll be thinking of you a lot. Take care.
I agree with Kim. IF makes pregnancy REALLY difficult, truly one TWW after another. I rarely ever feel completely safe and laid back. I am always worried. Even now. After dealing with m/c's, I think it is par for the course. That said, I do know plenty of women who struggled to get pregnant who DON'T live in the fear that I do. So there is hope. But when you have tried so hard—and experienced the pain of losing babies—it is only natural to feel the fear about everything, esp. in the beginning. (just my opinion)
I also had flu-like symptoms in my first trimesteer and it scared the shit out of me. I had a fever of 100-101 for days. It started midway thru week 7. I took cold baths and tried everything to keep my fever down. Achy, diarrhea, the works. It hurt to blink. But it was all fine. I'm sure it will all be fine with you too.
You are getting closer to sonogram...it's less than 2 weeks away! I hope the days fly by and that you feel better. Keep us posted!
i agree with kim's post. the worrying is always there...at least at some level. my beta levels almost match yours - 224 at 13dpo and 2887 at 19dpo, but i only have one baby in there. i took that as a good sign to mean it's a very healthy singleton. i am now almost 20 weeks!! good luck, i have fingers crossed for you guys!
I think it's so natural when you have tried so hard and had so many heart breaks. It is your minds way of trying to protect your heart. The thing is, your mind is obviously not in touch with your body or it would realize, your numbers are GREAT and this baby isn't going any where.
My advice, try and think of positive things too. When you have bad and scary thoughts...think of something good....your luck with this baby, your baby growing in your belly, your 9 month wait, your 2 month wait to see what you are having. Just balance it.
The TCC and pregnancy crazies are just to get you warmed up for the real crazies of parenthood. :)
Hang in there - everything is sounding amazingly perfect. :)
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