Pregnant People Everywhere....And I'm OK?!?!

In the past week I've had 4 pregnant teenagers in my practice. That's way more than usual for me. 3 of the 4 did not know that they were pregnant...well they kind of thought that they might be but they didn't for sure. I got to break the news to them (when you're telling a 15 year old that they are pregnant, somehow it's not that exciting. Not like the RE telling me that I am pregnant). The 4th one had gone to a county clinic first and taken a pregnancy test. Of the 4 she was the only one who planned on going through with the pregnancy. The other 3 all wanted abortions. It all made me so sad for these girls. Not the abortion part because I am totally pro-choice and have no problem giving the girls the necessary resources to have an abortion.

The part that makes me sad is that here, I am, a person with all the resources to provide a good life for a child and I'm trying so hard to get pregnant and having very little/no success. Yet these girls get pregnant so easily at a time when it's just not right for them. In the past when I have had positive pregnancy tests, it's been a very happy time. I can't imagine that same moment - the momentous appearance of 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test - being a time of shear panic. That's the part that makes me sad.

We also got news this week that one of our best friends is pregnant. She started trying several months before we did - 2 1/2 years ago. She got pregnant on her 6th cycle, right around the time we started trying. They now have a 2 year old and have been trying for the past 7 months for #2. Well it worked and they are now pregnant with #2 while we're still trying for #1. Here's the real shocking part. The part where I know all my positive thinking is starting work. I'M NOT BITTER.

This is a really weird feeling - the not being bitter part. I'm actually really happy for them and I believe in the next few weeks I will be able to share my really good news with them too. I'm believing all the crap I keep telling myself about how it's going to work this time. I've emerged from the dark place that I was in and I'm now in a bright, sun filled room (it's so bright that it's blinding). I wasn't sure how I would react to hearing that they were pregnant. I thought I would be envious and I hoped that it wouldn't affect our friendship. But now I know that it definitely won't affect it.

They say that good things happen in 3s. I'm hoping that our friend's pg is #1 and R and I are #2 and #3. That would be great.

On a side note - last night was my last birth control pill. I'm still on the lupron. Next u/s is on Monday.

Relaxation

In my attempt to remain in a totally zen place for the upcoming IVF cycle, I am trying to meditate, I'm getting massages and I'm going to acupuncture (which is also supposed to help me get and stay pregnant). Usually during acupuncture I just lay there and think about getting pregnant. I try to visualize all the things that will happen to my body and wait to hear the little timer outside my door go off. I appreciate the 30-45 minute break in my usually hectic schedule but I don't necessarily feel some deep sense of relaxation.

There are even times during my acupuncture sessions that I lay there, trying to make myself meditate about being pregnant but mostly I am wondering how much time I have left. Then when I finally hear the buzzer, I get all excited about being done. Last week was one of those weeks. And once the buzzer finally went off, nobody came in. It was so disappointing. Someone turned off the buzzer but no one came in. I wanted to yell out "hello, it's me in room 2. My buzzer went off, I'm done. Come get the needles out of me". I even had the thought, "Hell, I'm a doctor, I can take needles out myself". What seemed like hours later my acupuncturist finally came in to take the needles out. Unfortunately, I still wasn't done. He then wanted to needle my back. At least my back is usually less time than my front but once again, no one came when my timer buzzed. I was so thrilled to be done.

Last night however, was totally different. For the first time, I felt a deep sense of relaxation and I even fell asleep. I was actually pissed off when the timer went off because it woke me up. How dare it wake me up. I didn't want the session to end. I hope this means that it's finally working.

I also got a massage this week. I went to the usual spa that I go to but I had a different masseuse. She was just ok. She used way too much massage oil. I had to use the sheet to wipe myself off at the end before getting dressed. I love touch, so I still enjoyed the massage but I won't be going back to her. Also the music in the room was really crappy. Usually it's relaxation music but this time it was soft hits of the 80's, 90's and today minus the words. I think this is commonly referred to as elevator music. I played a little game to see how long it would take me to figure out the song. It was amazing that I knew most of the words to bad slow songs that I haven't heard in years. Songs like Micheal Bolton's "Have I told you lately that I love you" (well I assumed it was his version of the song but again, no words), I sang along in my head. There were a few good songs like Sarah Mclachlan's Adia but overall it was one long elevator ride.

Silence in the Waiting Room

R and I both had our ultrasounds this week and all everything looks great to start this cycle. We both start lupron tomorrow. I must admit that I'm really excited to start sticking myself tomorrow night. It means that things are finally starting again! That we are finally doing things again to get pregnant and not just talking about our next cycle! I know we've been doing other things like acupuncture but that just doesn't feel very proactive. Nothing says proactive like jabbing a needle into your own stomach... and I'm actually excited about that! Man, this IVF thing really changes one's perspective on things.

So I'm sure everyone has notice how nobody talks in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Never mind talking, people don't really even make eye contact. Everyone just looks down or buries their nose in a magazine. Occasionally I catch someones eye and they offer some pathetic half smile. WTF??? I know no one is happy to be there. In fact, I'm sure we can all agree that it sucks to have to go through infertility treatments. I mean no one likes to have more intimate moments with the dildo cam than with an actual dildo (or a real live penis for my straight audience out there). But for real, we're all going through the same damm thing.

On line people share all sort of details like their cervical mucous and bleeding/spotting. We talk about all sort of lab results including husbands' sperm counts and intimate details of our inner plumbing (hysteroscopy results). Yet in person we can't seem to say 2 words. The one time R did break the silence and talk to someone, it was a woman who was actively having a miscarriage several weeks after IVF and was there for her ultrasound to confirm it. While that was a horrible conversation to strike up, R was able to share with her our miscarriage experiences.

Since we're going to be at the the RE's office quite often in the upcoming weeks, R has decided to try to talk to people in the waiting room. We'll see how our little social experiment goes. Any thoughts???

So since you now know that IVF #2 is fast approaching, I can admit that it's all I think about. I'm so0000 ready to start. R has a great attitude going into this and I'm trying to do the same. Every time that I think about it, I force myself to think - I will be pregnant in a few weeks. It's really become my mantra. I then try to visualize all the changes that are going to happen to my body, starting from the embies snuggling into my nice thick lining and getting as technical as my body increasing it's production of red blood cells and trying to picture the muscle fibers of my uterus growing to accomodate the growing baby. I'm even going as far as to picture the birth. I need to visualize all of it to make myself believe that it will happen.

On my 1st pregnancy, I always worried about a miscarriage. Even though I was 29 and healthy and had gotten pregnant on my 3rd IUI with injectables, I still worried. I had scheduled a medical procedure before I got pregnant and once I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't even cancel it. The procedure was going to be when I was about4 months pregnant. I figured I would wait until closer to the date and then if I was still pregnant, I would cancel it. Since the baby died at 9wks, I was able to have the procedure. What kind of woman does this? Wouldn't most women cancel the second they found out they were pregnant ( I could not have the procedure while pregnant). And trust me, it's not a procedure I wanted to do. So it was like I had a sick premonition or else my brain sabotaged me.

Then with the second pregnancy, R was thrilled when I had 3 days of positive home pregnancy tests followed by a positive first beta. I however was very guarded and said, "well let's wait and see what the 2nd beta is since it could be a chemical pregnancy". And shit, sure enough it was a chemical pregnancy. Again, am I some sort of fucking clairvoyant (in which case why do my abilities only predict dead babies and not the damm lottery numbers) or again, is my brain sabotaging me?

So with this pregnancy, I'm going to get pregnant and stay that way for 40 weeks (or at least 37 weeks). My brain will not fuck this one up. I will have a baby this time!!!

Celebrity News & Ramblings

I can't believe I'm about to admit this. I know I'm about to lose some of my credibility as a professional woman in my 30's. But I used to be a Britney Spears fan. I don't mean in the past few years in which her white trash side became painfully obvious. I'm talking back in the days of her "Slave" video and hot award show performances. Then I started to resent Britney. See Britney was able to do all the things that I couldn't. Britney got drunk and married a childhood friend on a whim. I however have been with my wife ( a term that I use loosely since marriage for me is not really an option) for over 6 years. We own a home together, pay taxes and are law abiding citizens yet we can't get married - but Britney can. Then after a quicky annulment Britney gets married again, this time for more than 55 hours and then she decides to have a baby. And bam, there she is - instantly pregnant. Once again Britney was doing what I can't seem to be able to do. Not only does she have 1 baby but 12 months after the first she has a second.

Now Britney is getting divorced. HA. I finally have something she doesn't. Besides the fact that I'm not white trash, I have a wonderful relationship that is rock solid. Even with 2 hormonal women going through IVF, we are able to overcome the hormonal rages and remain a strong couple. And our failures, including my miscarriage and chemical pregnancy, only serve to bring us closer. So finally, I have one up on Britney. Not that Britney is comparing herself to me but still, it's nice to have some vindication.

I also heard today that Pamela Anderson had a miscarriage this week. I want to thank Pam for going public with the news of her miscarriage. All to often people keep it a big secret. It's not until you have one that you find out about others. When I had my miscarriage earlier this year, I e-mailed my entire department to tell them that I would not be at work for at least a week and I was honest as to why. I received so many e-mails from people that I had worked with for years who revealed that they too had had one or more miscarriages. I had become a member of the club. So I now welcome Pam to the club and again thank her for being open. I think the more open and honest people there are out there the less likely there will need to have a club.