It's been almost a month since my last post. The troops have come and gone and I've been off of work again for another 2 weeks (1 week left) and yet still no posts. I've actually been considering ending this blog (lest you think I already have). I started this blog when I was in a dark place as an outlet for all the socially unacceptable thoughts running through my head. But in the proverbial "if you build it they will come" way, I soon ended up pregnant and now here I am as the "infertile pediatrician" mother of 3. I will forever be the infertile pediatrician - being a mom to my trio doesn't negate the 4 miscarriages or 3 years of infertility that R and I went through together. And really, I'm not about to change my blog name, although pediatrician mom sure has a nice ring to it. So for now I will continue to blog, albeit infrequently at times.
The babies are all doing so well. Hudson is 7 months old which sometimes feels like a lot and other times I can't believe he's only been in our lives for 7 short months. I can barely remember life without him. It seems he's had our hearts forever. I LOVE watching him grow and am fascinated by his development in that cliche-ish way that all moms are. I'm still breast feeding! I feel that I spent most of the first 6 months stressing about my supply but here I find myself at 7 months, still going strong with a son who is thriving on my breast milk and just for a second I have to stop and celebrate that as a milestone.
Bennett and Kate are now 11 weeks old (5 weeks corrected for prematurity). We're emerging from survival mode with them to starting to really enjoy them. They are starting to coo and smile and it's just about the best thing ever. The switch from just meeting their basic needs to now starting to interact with them is underway and it's amazing. I am so totally in love with these 2 little ones which is why I'm ok admitting now that it took me a bit longer to bond with them. I think having them in the special care nursery for those initial 12 days made that initial bonding more difficult. Especially since it was such a work like setting for me (not only was it work-like, it was actually work. They were in the hospital in which I work. Even while visiting them as a "mom", I was always aware of the other kids and what was going on with them. Whenever the monitor of the baby who had apnea went off, I wanted to run over and stimulate her to breath thus making bonding a bit more difficult with Bennett and Kate).
I am breastfeeding Bennett and Kate some which has really helped me with bonding. I'd do it more but during the day their eating seems to coincide with Hudson's and I don't want to alter his schedule/routine. At night, I'm afraid that they won't get enough and thus wake up more at night (something I know R would not be happy about). So usually it's in the evenings when the babies seem like they want to cluster feed that I'll nurse one of them (or both of them) to comfort them. I also contribute daily to their pumped breast milk. My supply is actually up some. The LC that we saw after Bennett and Kate were born suggested that I up the domperidone to 30mg three times per day up from the 10mg three times per day that I was previously doing. It seems to have helped. I'm sure the added stimulation from Bennett and Kate is also driving up the supply as is Hudson's improved latch following his frenulectomy (clipping of his tongue tie).
Well my time at the pump (and hence the computer) is up now - hopefully it won't be another month before I make it back.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
The troops are coming!
We survived our mother's day outing. It was our first time going out to a restaurant just the 2 of us with all 3 kids. We arranged for an outdoor table and parked the double stroller with Bennett and Kate next to the table and Hudson sat in a high chair with us at the table. Dinner went great, the food was just as delicious as I remembered it to be. The kids behaved the first half of dinner. Then Hudson needed to eat - no big deal, brought him a bottle of breast milk so I could eat without having him attached. Then Bennett and Kate started crying in stereo but luckily by then it was the end of the meal and we quickly made our exit.
I did have to go to the bathroom when we got there - you know the place in which I delivered bean (that's what we called her - bean). I remember the bathroom as being this very dark little room in which I remember carefully examining the little perfect baby that had just come out of me (9 1/2 weeks gestation). This time the sun was shining right through the window and it was this very bright room. I'm not sure if the dark memory of the room was more reflective of my mood but I was happy that the bathroom seemed totally different to me.
The other cool thing that happened was that the waitress commented on my "bean" necklace. R and I exchanged bean necklaces (from Tiffany's) to commemorate our little one in our private memorial service that we had. The waitress mentioned how much she loved my necklace and that she too had one at home. In my darker days, I would have made some comment about how it commemorated my dead baby. I might have even thrown in the trivia about the "birth story" in the restaurant bathroom. Even as those darker days improved I still would have considered saying something about the significance of the the necklace or at the very least I knew that R would be ready to kick me under the table as she cringed in fear of what would come out of my mouth. Ah, but not this time! This time around, I just said thank you and looked around at my 3 kids! Times have changed, although I will never forget my little bean.
In happier news, my in-laws get here tomorrow!!! I have never been so happy to have house guests. This means that on Sunday morning, we can hand over 3 kids at 7am and go back to sleep! I get to sleep in!!! R and I don't have any family in town - they all live across the country. While we have awesome friends who are totally supportive, we are doing this all on our own. So having some help for 2 weeks will be sooooooo great. It does mean that I'm going back to work on Monday but just for the 2 weeks that the in-laws are here. I'll then take off another 3 weeks once they leave. Again, did I mention that I'm sleeping in on Sunday?!?!!!!!!! Speaking of sleep - I'm off to bed.
I did have to go to the bathroom when we got there - you know the place in which I delivered bean (that's what we called her - bean). I remember the bathroom as being this very dark little room in which I remember carefully examining the little perfect baby that had just come out of me (9 1/2 weeks gestation). This time the sun was shining right through the window and it was this very bright room. I'm not sure if the dark memory of the room was more reflective of my mood but I was happy that the bathroom seemed totally different to me.
The other cool thing that happened was that the waitress commented on my "bean" necklace. R and I exchanged bean necklaces (from Tiffany's) to commemorate our little one in our private memorial service that we had. The waitress mentioned how much she loved my necklace and that she too had one at home. In my darker days, I would have made some comment about how it commemorated my dead baby. I might have even thrown in the trivia about the "birth story" in the restaurant bathroom. Even as those darker days improved I still would have considered saying something about the significance of the the necklace or at the very least I knew that R would be ready to kick me under the table as she cringed in fear of what would come out of my mouth. Ah, but not this time! This time around, I just said thank you and looked around at my 3 kids! Times have changed, although I will never forget my little bean.
In happier news, my in-laws get here tomorrow!!! I have never been so happy to have house guests. This means that on Sunday morning, we can hand over 3 kids at 7am and go back to sleep! I get to sleep in!!! R and I don't have any family in town - they all live across the country. While we have awesome friends who are totally supportive, we are doing this all on our own. So having some help for 2 weeks will be sooooooo great. It does mean that I'm going back to work on Monday but just for the 2 weeks that the in-laws are here. I'll then take off another 3 weeks once they leave. Again, did I mention that I'm sleeping in on Sunday?!?!!!!!!! Speaking of sleep - I'm off to bed.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
New memories
Remember last week when I said life with our trio wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be? Well this week has proved me wrong - it's just as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not sure if it's because the sleep deprivation is accumulating or if I'm just becoming less patient. We've had several episodes this week in which all 3 have been crying at the exact same time - baby crying in stereo with surround sound (plus it's amplified on the baby monitor to the other rooms) There are days in which our lives seem like an endless cycle of feed, burp, change diapers - then run around trying to clean the house or deal with the dog or eat something or shower (although showering has become an every other day thing, heck I'm sure this week, I might have even skipped 2 days) before doing it all over again. It's hard to remember to stop and just hold a baby and enjoy them without thinking of the million other tasks that need to be done. I feel bad because at this stage I held Hudson so much and I feel Kate and Bennett aren't getting as much of that. Ahhh, life with multiples!
On a happier note, today I took all 3 on a walk by myself. I didn't realize that the seats on our triplet stroller actually laid back all the way flat. I thought I couldn't use the triplet stroller until the kids could sit up but I was wrong! It was so awesome - I pushed this bus like stroller throughout the neighborhood. During my half hour walk, I had at least 25 people say something - this included several people who were driving by and actually pulled off into the bike lane to say something to me. Surprisingly it was both men and women, old and young who commented. One older gentleman who was mowing his lawn, just laughed. I could still hear him laughing when I was half a block away. The 2 little ones were in the 2nd and 3rd seats with the sun shades pulled down so you couldn't really see them. Hudson rode shot gun up front (I swear he was like half a block ahead of me). Since people could only really see Hudson, when they would holler "triplets" I would just yell back "yup". No sense in getting into "nope they're 4 3/4 months apart" across someones front lawn. It was quite the amusing walk! I can't wait to go on it again tomorrow.
This weekend also marks the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. It technically was our first born since (**warning TMI ahead) I passed the fetus in the intact sac in the men's room at a restaurant (the ladies room was occupied and I had felt something big come out, my only choice was the men's room). It's one of our favorite restaurants and we haven't been back since that day. I think we're planning on going back today - with all 3 of our kids, to erase the negative memory and create a new one on our first mother's day.
On a happier note, today I took all 3 on a walk by myself. I didn't realize that the seats on our triplet stroller actually laid back all the way flat. I thought I couldn't use the triplet stroller until the kids could sit up but I was wrong! It was so awesome - I pushed this bus like stroller throughout the neighborhood. During my half hour walk, I had at least 25 people say something - this included several people who were driving by and actually pulled off into the bike lane to say something to me. Surprisingly it was both men and women, old and young who commented. One older gentleman who was mowing his lawn, just laughed. I could still hear him laughing when I was half a block away. The 2 little ones were in the 2nd and 3rd seats with the sun shades pulled down so you couldn't really see them. Hudson rode shot gun up front (I swear he was like half a block ahead of me). Since people could only really see Hudson, when they would holler "triplets" I would just yell back "yup". No sense in getting into "nope they're 4 3/4 months apart" across someones front lawn. It was quite the amusing walk! I can't wait to go on it again tomorrow.
This weekend also marks the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. It technically was our first born since (**warning TMI ahead) I passed the fetus in the intact sac in the men's room at a restaurant (the ladies room was occupied and I had felt something big come out, my only choice was the men's room). It's one of our favorite restaurants and we haven't been back since that day. I think we're planning on going back today - with all 3 of our kids, to erase the negative memory and create a new one on our first mother's day.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I still can't believe that I have 3 kids. For so long I wondered if I would ever become a parent and now I have 3 kids. I have holy shit moments on a daily basis. Sometimes when I walk by the bassinet in our room, I am truly surprised to see Kate and Bennett sleeping in there. And then there are moments like the other day at baby g@p, when I was checking out baby girl clothes on the sales rack and I look over to see my daughter and my 2 sons. I wasn't just looking to imagine the 'what ifs' or to buy a gift for someone else, I was looking to buy for my own daughter. At that moment tears started flowing and of course that's when someone's like "Look sweetie, there's your pediatrician"..."uhm, hi".
Life at our house is busy these days but I must say it's not as hard as I thought it would be. I remember being super tired and sleep deprived those first few weeks with Hudson and thought this would be much, much, much worse but it's not. It probably helps that R handles Kate and Bennett for the 2 middle of the night feeds and I handle Hudson (who still wakes up once to nurse - although twice in the past week he's slept the entire night!). I then take the morning shift with all 3 kids starting at 7am and R sleeps in until about 11am (waking up just to pump and then going back to bed). In the afternoons we manage things together and have even made it out of the house with all 3 several times, although the first time (which was the above mentioned mall outing) was quite a feat. We live our lives in 3 hour increments - the babies (meaning Kate and Bennett - somehow Hudson has lost the title of the baby in our house) eat every 3 hours. By the time they both eat and are burped and changed, we have 2 hours. If it doesn't coincide with a feeding for Hudson or a nap for Hudson, then we are able to get out of the house. It's fun going places as a family, although I think people think we're friends and whomever is pushing Hudson must be his mom and whomever is pushing the twin stroller must be their mom (damn I look good for having 4 week old twins - hahaha, not so good for having a 5 1/2 month old though).
As for the breastfeeding, I'm pumping more these days (and with a hospital grade pump) and that has seemed to increase my supply some. I've put both Kate and Bennett to breast (although not yet at the same time) in hopes of teaching them to latch on properly since they are currently killing R's nipples. R has not yet put Hudson to breast as she's afraid of him. If little tiny Kate hurts her she's afraid of what Hudson will do to her nipples (I keep telling her it'll probably be better since his mouth is bigger but she's not willing to try yet). However her pumping is going great! She gets more milk than I do and all 3 kids are only getting breast milk (we do increase the caloric content of Bennett and Kate's bottles by mixing in a teaspoon of preemie formula to the breastmilk).
Our pumping station is the computer (love the hands free pumping bra), so I have to go now to allow R to get in here and pump.
Life at our house is busy these days but I must say it's not as hard as I thought it would be. I remember being super tired and sleep deprived those first few weeks with Hudson and thought this would be much, much, much worse but it's not. It probably helps that R handles Kate and Bennett for the 2 middle of the night feeds and I handle Hudson (who still wakes up once to nurse - although twice in the past week he's slept the entire night!). I then take the morning shift with all 3 kids starting at 7am and R sleeps in until about 11am (waking up just to pump and then going back to bed). In the afternoons we manage things together and have even made it out of the house with all 3 several times, although the first time (which was the above mentioned mall outing) was quite a feat. We live our lives in 3 hour increments - the babies (meaning Kate and Bennett - somehow Hudson has lost the title of the baby in our house) eat every 3 hours. By the time they both eat and are burped and changed, we have 2 hours. If it doesn't coincide with a feeding for Hudson or a nap for Hudson, then we are able to get out of the house. It's fun going places as a family, although I think people think we're friends and whomever is pushing Hudson must be his mom and whomever is pushing the twin stroller must be their mom (damn I look good for having 4 week old twins - hahaha, not so good for having a 5 1/2 month old though).
As for the breastfeeding, I'm pumping more these days (and with a hospital grade pump) and that has seemed to increase my supply some. I've put both Kate and Bennett to breast (although not yet at the same time) in hopes of teaching them to latch on properly since they are currently killing R's nipples. R has not yet put Hudson to breast as she's afraid of him. If little tiny Kate hurts her she's afraid of what Hudson will do to her nipples (I keep telling her it'll probably be better since his mouth is bigger but she's not willing to try yet). However her pumping is going great! She gets more milk than I do and all 3 kids are only getting breast milk (we do increase the caloric content of Bennett and Kate's bottles by mixing in a teaspoon of preemie formula to the breastmilk).
Our pumping station is the computer (love the hands free pumping bra), so I have to go now to allow R to get in here and pump.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Even less time now
I don't think I have any readers that don't read R's blog, but just in case, for those that don't know, the Kate and Bennett were born on 3/28. R developed HELLP syndrome (low platelets, high blood pressure, protein in her urine, fluid in her lungs and severe swelling) and the babies had to come out. Surprisingly her uterus would have kept them in longer had the doctors not given them in eviction notice, effective immediately. They were born just minutes shy of officially being 34 weeks. Kate and Bennett were in the special care nursery (not as high of acuity as the NICU) for 12 days. They both required some nasal CPAP followed by nasal canula and both required phototherapy for jaundice but after a few days there, they were basically just "feeders and growers". It was weird having my babies in the nursery. Hanging out there felt like I was working. My ears were constantly perked up and I knew what was going on with all the babies in the unit at any given time. I even went over to stimulate a baby once during an apnea event (I was closer than the nurse). I know the nursery can be a very scary place for parents with all the wires and tubes hooked up to each baby and all the monitors and alarms but for me, it was like being at work. Actually the babies were in the nursery at the hospital that's attached to my clinic, so really I was at work. Once R got out of the hospital and my MIL came to help with Hudson, I actually did go back to work (I rather take the time off when the babies are home since my time off is limited).
The babies did finally come home on Wednesday evening. While it's great having them at home, I miss them being here. I'm still working until next Tuesday (when my MIL goes back home). I liked knowing that they were just upstairs. I would come in to see them before clinic, run up at lunch and at the end of my day. Now I miss them. I know they're at home with their momma and gamma and that soon enough I'll be home, it's just my selfishness that wants to see them now.
The babies are wonderful! For being preemie twins they are absolutely adorable. I want to squeeze them tight and love all over them like I do with Hudson, but at 4 1/2 and 5 1/2 pounds, I have to be a bit more careful with them than I am with Hudson.
While the babies were in the hospital they got both R's and my breast milk (well initially they wouldn't let me give them my breast milk since I wasn't the bio mother until I had some lab tests - don't even get me started on this. I was livid. I will be writing a hospital policy on this so that it doesn't happen to anyone else - I don't have the energy to go into how pissed off I was that my babies were getting formula while breast milk was available all while waiting for stupid labs to come back, labs that are irrelevant for breastfeeding). Now that they are home and R's milk is in they are pretty much just getting her milk. She's now producing more than I am. Thank god that we both don't have supply issues. I'm so grateful that she's able to produce a decent amount of milk, yet I'm a bit jealous. No matter what I do, my supply still sucks. The domperidone hasn't really helped. Domperidone increases prolactin levels so I guess my issue isn't due to low prolactin. The LCs really don't have any other suggestions for me. I'm hoping that being home with all 3kids will increase my supply. I do plan on putting the babies to breast once they're strong enough to do so without burning too many calories, even if they're not getting much from me, I think it'll help me bond with them.
In the meantime, I've decided to start Hudson on foods a little sooner. We started him at 5 months instead of the 6 months that I usually recommend for exclusively BF babies. I rather give him food than formula (obviously if he needs formula, like if my boobs totally shrivel up and dry out then yes, he'll get formula - I'm not so militant that I would let him starve). He seems to be enjoying eating. I started out with rice cereal since I want him to get the iron and I'm not yet giving him meats. Next week I'll start adding fruits and veggies. I'm planning on making all of his food - for the love of god, when did I become so crunchy? I'm so pro breastfeeding, I like to wear my baby in a moby wrap and now I'm making his food - I surprise even myself!
One saving grace in my low milk suppy problem is that while there might not be much milk from my boobs, what I do get is high calorie. We have a creamatocrit machine at work that tests the calorie content of milk. I had to give samples at 5, 10 and 15minutes of pumping. Granted there wasn't much 15 minute milk but there was some and boy is it high calorie. Keep in mind that standard formula is 20 calorie/oz. My 5 minute milk is 23.4 cal, my 10 minute milk is 28.7 cal and my 15 minute milk is 31.9 cal. You can't even make formula that concentrated. I guess this explains why Hudson's not wasting away with my little milk supply.
The babies did finally come home on Wednesday evening. While it's great having them at home, I miss them being here. I'm still working until next Tuesday (when my MIL goes back home). I liked knowing that they were just upstairs. I would come in to see them before clinic, run up at lunch and at the end of my day. Now I miss them. I know they're at home with their momma and gamma and that soon enough I'll be home, it's just my selfishness that wants to see them now.
The babies are wonderful! For being preemie twins they are absolutely adorable. I want to squeeze them tight and love all over them like I do with Hudson, but at 4 1/2 and 5 1/2 pounds, I have to be a bit more careful with them than I am with Hudson.
While the babies were in the hospital they got both R's and my breast milk (well initially they wouldn't let me give them my breast milk since I wasn't the bio mother until I had some lab tests - don't even get me started on this. I was livid. I will be writing a hospital policy on this so that it doesn't happen to anyone else - I don't have the energy to go into how pissed off I was that my babies were getting formula while breast milk was available all while waiting for stupid labs to come back, labs that are irrelevant for breastfeeding). Now that they are home and R's milk is in they are pretty much just getting her milk. She's now producing more than I am. Thank god that we both don't have supply issues. I'm so grateful that she's able to produce a decent amount of milk, yet I'm a bit jealous. No matter what I do, my supply still sucks. The domperidone hasn't really helped. Domperidone increases prolactin levels so I guess my issue isn't due to low prolactin. The LCs really don't have any other suggestions for me. I'm hoping that being home with all 3kids will increase my supply. I do plan on putting the babies to breast once they're strong enough to do so without burning too many calories, even if they're not getting much from me, I think it'll help me bond with them.
In the meantime, I've decided to start Hudson on foods a little sooner. We started him at 5 months instead of the 6 months that I usually recommend for exclusively BF babies. I rather give him food than formula (obviously if he needs formula, like if my boobs totally shrivel up and dry out then yes, he'll get formula - I'm not so militant that I would let him starve). He seems to be enjoying eating. I started out with rice cereal since I want him to get the iron and I'm not yet giving him meats. Next week I'll start adding fruits and veggies. I'm planning on making all of his food - for the love of god, when did I become so crunchy? I'm so pro breastfeeding, I like to wear my baby in a moby wrap and now I'm making his food - I surprise even myself!
One saving grace in my low milk suppy problem is that while there might not be much milk from my boobs, what I do get is high calorie. We have a creamatocrit machine at work that tests the calorie content of milk. I had to give samples at 5, 10 and 15minutes of pumping. Granted there wasn't much 15 minute milk but there was some and boy is it high calorie. Keep in mind that standard formula is 20 calorie/oz. My 5 minute milk is 23.4 cal, my 10 minute milk is 28.7 cal and my 15 minute milk is 31.9 cal. You can't even make formula that concentrated. I guess this explains why Hudson's not wasting away with my little milk supply.
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