R's beta was 97 and mine was 0 (as in zero, zilch, nada, nothing). Despite the 4 days of negative pregnancy tests, I still had hope. You hear the stories of the women who tested negative on the day of the their betas and yet were pregnant - I had hoped to be one of them, now I think they're all full of shit.
I'm really tired of failing. I have always succeeded. I graduated medical school by the age of 25. I was chosen to be chief resident out of all my residency classmates. I landed a great job after residency. I met and married the most wonderful woman. I have always excelled at sports (not at a pro level but on a social and jr. competitive level). I usually know that if I try hard enough I can excel at things. But not this. It is impossible to try any harder. All I do is fail and fail again. And my failures are getting even more clear.
I'm actually going backwards in my progress. First with injectables and an IUI, I managed to get pregnant. That baby died at 9w3d. Then with IVF #1, we put in day 3 embryos and I kind of got pregnant (chemical pregnancy - hey, something actually stuck, it just didn't really grow). Now with IVF #2, we put blasts in and nothing fucking even stuck. That's now a total of 5 embryos and 1 fetus that have died in my uterus. After a while, you have to believe that it's the uterus and not embryos.
Please don't get me wrong. I am very excited and grateful that R is pregnant. I will be even more happy and grateful when her numbers double on Tuesday. It's just that my dream of being pregnant is dying. This is the first time that R has had an embryo in her uterus. Apparently it's a good place to be because the sole blast decided to stick around - hopefully for 9 months.
About Me
- Steph
- Wife, Mom, Daughter, Pediatrician, Breastfeeding-baby-wearing Mommy to 3 beautiful babes that took us a long time to get with many ups & downs along the way.
1 comment:
I am so sorry for that awful zero beta. But two things: First of all, you can't be a failure at something that you have no control over. I am certain you are doing EVERYTHING that you can possibly do to create the most ideal conditions. You sound very driven, and I am cerain that if this were something you could control, you would. You can't bame yourself for a failed cycle or a m/c or even take credit for a healthy regnancy: It is nature... random timing... your body... the luck of the freaking draw. Second, I got pregnant twice with IUI (both m/c) and then did two IVFs that failed miserably, so I felt like I was taken a step back, too. But as boring and cliche as it sounds, there is no reason why the next IVF won't work. None. You just have to keep going. Yet, I know how hard that is, and how hard it is to keep a positive attitude. Always easier said than done, rght?
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