Good-bye 2006

Good-bye 2006. I am not sad to see you go. 2006 has brought me some of the highest highs in my life and has definitely brought me my lowest low. Overall it has been the worst year of my life.

2006 started off with R and I in South America visiting family. I had just gotten my first negative on an IUI before we left on our trip. I came back to do another IUI with injectables and had another negative. I then sat out a month to allow a cyst on my ovary to go away. On my 3rd injectable/IUI, I finally got my positive. I think it was the happiest time in my life. Happier than my wedding day, happier than my med school graduation. Even with my slight paranoia about something going wrong, those were the happiest weeks of my life. My happiness was short lived. On mother's day weekend, I had a tiny bit of spotting and went in for an u/s. That's when the we saw the dead baby on u/s and my year turned into the worse year of my life.

I made it through those rough times because I had a plan. I was going to get pregnant again. I was going to do IVF and everything would work. At first, it seemed to be working. I had 4 days worth of positive HPTs before my first positive beta. However when the beta didn't double, the grief did. That was by far the darkest time of my life. It was hard to breath. It was hard to make it through the day.

I worked hard to climb out of that hole. I forced myself to think positively and after a while I started to believe my own crap. This time, I just knew it would work. But once again, my body failed me. I know that we are lucky to have had it work for R. I am so grateful that she is pregnant but I still wish it was me. I'm now working hard to get over my own shit and be happy for us as a family. I feel selfish for dwelling on my failures when we currently have a successful situation. Things continue to go well with R's latest beta on Friday actually almost quadrupling from her previous beta 3 days before.

So as I sit here thinking back on 2006 I can't help but be glad that it's almost over. However even in the final hours of the year, my girl parts are showing my how much they suck. In case my 2 negative betas weren't enough to convince me that I am not pregnant, the hemorrhaging should do the trick.