Last night we had acupuncture. While I lay on the table with the needles in my head and legs, trying to envision the embryos snuggling into my uterus and growing, I had an overwhelming feeling that I am not pregnant. I now know in my heart that this didn't work for me. This feeling was confirmed this morning by another stark white negative pregnancy test. R had another very positive test. There wasn't even a hint of a line on mine.
I am so happy for R, even though she doesn't seem to be. She seems petrified and kind of pissy that she will have to be pregnant. However my happiness for her and for us is over shadowed. I am dying inside. More than anything in life, I want to be pregnant. I really thought this would work for me. I just couldn't fathom it not working but it now seems that my uterus is where perfect embryos go to die. This will now make 5 embryos (3 perfect day 3 embryos and 2 perfect blasts) that have failed to thrive inside my girl parts plus my fetus that died in there too.
I know what you girls will say..."it's still 2 days before beta. I can't and shouldn't give up hope." By nature I am an optimistic person, so deep inside there is still some hope. This morning I could almost see a line on that fucking test - not because one was there but rather because I wanted it to be there so bad that my brain was just filling it in for me.
I just don't understand what's wrong with me. If perfect blasts, hand selected and placed gently in my uterus can't make it, what hope do I have for the future that I'll ever be pregnant. The worse thing is that I can't talk to R who is my best friend about this. I know she already feels bad that I'm not pregnant and she is. I know she will regret having put embryos into both of us because of how hurt I am inside. I don't regret the decision other than I'm sorry I wasted 2 of her embryos. I'm only dying because I just could not fathom this not working and now that it's looking like it didn't work, I'm grieving for those babies that I imagined. All those fucking visualizations, I could almost feel them kicking me already. Boy do I get a head of myself.
Well I guess I should compose myself now. It's poor form to have your doctor be a crying mess when they walk in the room. I I have 50 minutes before my first patient of the day - perhaps by then I will have stopped crying. Damn hormones.
About Me
- Steph
- Wife, Mom, Daughter, Pediatrician, Breastfeeding-baby-wearing Mommy to 3 beautiful babes that took us a long time to get with many ups & downs along the way.
3 comments:
Well, I'm going to feed you that line about not giving up hope. I had 3 blasts then 4 blasts gently placed insde me and NOTHING. I've had 2 miscarriages and and ectopic. It took 3 IVFs for me to finally get pregnant. I know how that hopeless feeling takes over and fills you up. One option my gf and I discussed was for my gf to carry (which she really didn't want to do for 1,000 reasons). I was honest with her: I would be so jealous of her for 10 months becasue i was the one that wants this: Not her. You say R. is your best friend; then you can tell her these things. As hard as it is, remember this: You and R. and going to be a family. You are going to have a baby together. I understand how badly you wanted this round to work (and, yes, it still can) but keep the big picture in you head too, maybe. And you try again (if you get a BFN) next cycle. Maybe the universe is saying one baby at atime. After al, it would be hard if the two of you delivered on or around the same day! A month or two apart would be ideal, so that you can both fully be there for each other. There's this quote I repeated a lot during this: In the end it will be ok. If it is not ok, then it is not the end. OK, I should stop rambling now....
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. That really sucks. Figures there would be a way for a pregnancy to happen but it wouldn't be yours and you'd end with feeling so fucking torn up about it. I guess this scenario was possible from the get-go but it seems to have come as a complete surprise. Who knew you could end up feeling like this? Fucker. Now you're in real bind unless that line shows up tomorrow. Is today 12 dpo? If it is then maybe you implanted a little more slowly this time? Am I reaching here? Dammit and you had a great attitude too. Really positive and look where it got you. I'm sure that I'm not helping here as if anybody's comments could actually make you feel better.
Seriously bummed on your behalf. Standing by for a pink line tomorrow.
I'm not going to give you any warm,fuzzy encouragement b/c you probably don't want it right now, but I am thinking of you two and hoping for the best.
Are you will to do the frozen blast transfer later on?
Give yourself time to grieve if this attempt didn't work for you...
Mama2BandT
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