Life is not fair. I think all of those going through infertility crap know this lesson all to well. I have this thought at least several times a day as I take care of kids whose parents seem very unfit to parent yet they already have 3 plus 1 more on the way. Well today's unfairness rant comes not from a patient but rather from a friend - a fucking fertile friend.
About 2 months ago we received an e-mail from a friend of ours who lives in another state. This is a friend whom we had not heard from in a while so she was catching us up on her life. In her e-mail she boldly proclaimed, "I will be pregnant in 6 weeks". HAHAHA - we laughed so hard and thought how nice it must be to be that stupid and naive. Upon further questioning, it turns out that she and her partner hadn't even set up their account with the cryobank. So we (well mostly R, as this is really her friend), spent countless hours on the phone and via e-mail educating this friend on all things related to trying to conceive. We gave her realistic expectations about her percentages and the such. We held her hand through the whole fucking process. And how are we repaid for our knowledge??? With a text page regarding 4, that's right 4 fucking positive pregnancy tests.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't wish all this infertility crap on anyone else. By no means am I proud of the bitter woman I've become. However I firmly believe no one should get pregnant on their first try. Seeing your menstrual period and experiencing that disappointment once is all that I'm asking for. I think it keeps you humble and lets you know that you don't really have any control in this. Certainly not the level of control that is implied with statements such as "I will be pregnant in 6 weeks".
And really, even though her betas aren't until next week, I'm sure she'll have a perfect pregnancy - all 40 weeks of it. Not 9 weeks, 3 days of it like my first pregnancy. Or not a fist full of positive pregnancy tests only to have the blood work confirm that it's only a chemical pregnancy like my second pregnancy. No, the fertility gods don't work that way. The blissfully ignorant will have a healthy pregnancy. The women who put pregnancy tickers on their message board posts at 3weeks5days will go on to have some 10 lbs. baby. But those of us who study the toilet paper every time we wipe to ensure that we're not spotting during our pregnancy - well we're the ones whose babies will die in our uterus without so much a drop of blood, leaving us walking around carrying a dead baby in our uterus for days to weeks.
So R and I have decided on a new policy. We will no longer serve as your infertility or trying to conceive counselors. We have many friends and acquaintances who call us for this information. Usually we have gladly walked them through the entire process (except for one acquaintance who we don't think will make a good parent, so we kind of blew her off - let her figure it out on her own). I'm tired of people stealing our fertility. Karma is just crap. We've been through too much while still being nice to everyone else. It hasn't come back around yet, so fuck it. Everyone is on their own.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The power of the blog
On my drive home today, I glanced up at the billboard, expecting to curse it as usual and low and behold, it was gone!!! Replaced by a new billboard not at all related to the babies that I don't have! I knew blogs were powerful, but this goes beyond all my expectations. Hmmm...what else would I like to see disappear...what should I blog about next?
Angry
So everyday on my drive home from work, I get to see a huge billboard that says "Are you having your first baby?". That's it, that's all it says and then in the corner it has the logo for one of the local hospitals. I think this billboard was put there just to piss me off everyday. I usually curse at it as I drive by - "fuck you, no I'm not having my first baby, that baby died, mother fucker. I'm also not having my second baby because that baby didn't really grow either." If I wasn't so afraid of heights (and oh yeah, if I wasn't such a law abiding citizen) I would climb up there and spray paint an answer to their stupid, idiotic question.
I mean really, is there really some stupid pregnant woman who drives by this billboard and thinks "Oh my god, I'm having my first baby. I should have it at that hospital." Perhaps this advertising campaign will work on some cracked out whore, but really don't people pick a hospital based on where their OB delivers not off some billboard?
So as you can see I'm having some anger issues right now. IVF #2 has me wound pretty tightly at the moment and I'm not even on any major drugs yet that could be blamed for the bad mood. It's not very fun at the FR household at the moment because I think R is a bit stressed about it too, so we spend a lot of time bickering. Right now, mostly it's me - I find something to fight about. Something small is usually what gets me started, like the grocery store was out of candy corn, how the fuck are they out of candy corn 3 weeks before Halloween. So then I get all pissy when R tries to substitute it with Indian corn. Isn't this the most absurd thing ever. How is this even an argument, I have no idea, but it is. Really it's that the lack of candy corn means more babies will die in my uterus and we'll just have spent another $15,000 for that to happen.
I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. Sounds like I need it.
I mean really, is there really some stupid pregnant woman who drives by this billboard and thinks "Oh my god, I'm having my first baby. I should have it at that hospital." Perhaps this advertising campaign will work on some cracked out whore, but really don't people pick a hospital based on where their OB delivers not off some billboard?
So as you can see I'm having some anger issues right now. IVF #2 has me wound pretty tightly at the moment and I'm not even on any major drugs yet that could be blamed for the bad mood. It's not very fun at the FR household at the moment because I think R is a bit stressed about it too, so we spend a lot of time bickering. Right now, mostly it's me - I find something to fight about. Something small is usually what gets me started, like the grocery store was out of candy corn, how the fuck are they out of candy corn 3 weeks before Halloween. So then I get all pissy when R tries to substitute it with Indian corn. Isn't this the most absurd thing ever. How is this even an argument, I have no idea, but it is. Really it's that the lack of candy corn means more babies will die in my uterus and we'll just have spent another $15,000 for that to happen.
I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. Sounds like I need it.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Standing In Line For Our Second Ride
So we're currently back in line for the second ride on the infertility mega-roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, we've been at the infertility amusement park for over 2 years now and have ridden most of the rides several times. But this will be our second time riding the big ride at the park - the IVF roller coaster.
Just the mere thought of getting back in line has me in the land of mega-bitch. Being on birth control for the past 3 weeks and then getting my period this week surely doesn't help with the attitude. I have picked fights with R about everything this week. Today is was her who was a biatch but that gave me the right to react and be a biatch right back at her.
So this time, we're taking some friends with us on the IVF roller coaster. We have our new acupuncturist who we've been seeing now for a few weeks. He was very excited last night when he heard that IVF #2 is just around the corner. He took a few extra minutes reading my pulse (which I liken to reading tarot cards or palm reading) and then contemplated where to stick the needles. Apparently 4 in right ear, 3 on my head (including one between my eyes that caused me to go cross eyed every time I opened my eyes), 2 on my abdomen and 3 on each leg/foot is what it will take to keep a baby alive in my uterus for more than several weeks.
My other roller coaster guest is my new therapist. After one too many bad jokes about babies dying in my uterus, R has suggested I "talk to someone". I do agree that searching the pregnancy message boards for my old IVF cycle buddies and only to see if everyone is still pregnant is a sign that I probably need a therapist. It's just it annoys me when people put up pregnancy tickers at 3w5d...that's just wrong...are these people clueless that something could go wrong. I understand being excited but really, do we need a pregnancy ticker at that point??? So I digress...I have my first ever therapy appointment this upcoming week. Hopefully she's tall enough to ride the ride.
I'm not sure who R will bring along this time for the ride. We've got quite a few people at the infertility clinic that will ride the ride with us. The nurse who called to schedule our appointment told me that they missed us. I do think there's something wrong with that, I hope they aren't fucking up our embryos on purpose so that we hang out together more. Really, I plan on bringing the babies by the office once they are born. Although I will have tact. I won't be like those other women who show up with their twin strollers and walk right in the front door. Everyone knows that doctors offices have a back door (you don't see the doctor walk through the waiting room do you?). So call ahead and head to the back and avoid the evil stares of the women in the waiting room.
Just the mere thought of getting back in line has me in the land of mega-bitch. Being on birth control for the past 3 weeks and then getting my period this week surely doesn't help with the attitude. I have picked fights with R about everything this week. Today is was her who was a biatch but that gave me the right to react and be a biatch right back at her.
So this time, we're taking some friends with us on the IVF roller coaster. We have our new acupuncturist who we've been seeing now for a few weeks. He was very excited last night when he heard that IVF #2 is just around the corner. He took a few extra minutes reading my pulse (which I liken to reading tarot cards or palm reading) and then contemplated where to stick the needles. Apparently 4 in right ear, 3 on my head (including one between my eyes that caused me to go cross eyed every time I opened my eyes), 2 on my abdomen and 3 on each leg/foot is what it will take to keep a baby alive in my uterus for more than several weeks.
My other roller coaster guest is my new therapist. After one too many bad jokes about babies dying in my uterus, R has suggested I "talk to someone". I do agree that searching the pregnancy message boards for my old IVF cycle buddies and only to see if everyone is still pregnant is a sign that I probably need a therapist. It's just it annoys me when people put up pregnancy tickers at 3w5d...that's just wrong...are these people clueless that something could go wrong. I understand being excited but really, do we need a pregnancy ticker at that point??? So I digress...I have my first ever therapy appointment this upcoming week. Hopefully she's tall enough to ride the ride.
I'm not sure who R will bring along this time for the ride. We've got quite a few people at the infertility clinic that will ride the ride with us. The nurse who called to schedule our appointment told me that they missed us. I do think there's something wrong with that, I hope they aren't fucking up our embryos on purpose so that we hang out together more. Really, I plan on bringing the babies by the office once they are born. Although I will have tact. I won't be like those other women who show up with their twin strollers and walk right in the front door. Everyone knows that doctors offices have a back door (you don't see the doctor walk through the waiting room do you?). So call ahead and head to the back and avoid the evil stares of the women in the waiting room.
Monday, October 02, 2006
what not to wear on halloween
Before I had a blog, I would constantly think of things that I would blog about if I had a blog. Now that I have a blog, I'm having a difficult time coming up with something to write about. I did however remember one of those things that I had wanted to blog about in my pre-blogger days and it made me so angry just thinking about it, that I'm devoting today's blog to it.
When I had my first miscarriage several months ago, we were very open with everyone, including all of my co-workers. I actually sent an e-mail out to my entire department (this was at my old job, I changed clinics this summer) informing them of my miscarriage even though only a select few had even known about my pregnancy. So basically everyone knew about it and knew why I had taken leave from work.
Well after returning to work, I was put in charge of a slide show presentation for the annual end of the academic year dinner. One of the other pediatricians came over to my house with her laptop to have me pick out what pictures I wanted from her computer for the slide show. While flipping through her pictures she stops and says "Oh my god, I have to show you this next picture, it's an awesome Halloween costume and it's hilarious." Always up for a good laugh, I eagerly awaited the picture. Well it wasn't so funny - definitely not in a haha kind of way. It was a costume of a woman having a miscarriage. She was had on a normal shirt and a skirt and coming from between her legs was a bloody baby doll, head first of course and there was blood dripping down her legs and onto her shoes. Standing next to the girl in the costume was my ex-coworker - both with big smiles. I stared at the picture in horror. Then this ex-coworker of mine (I refuse to call her a friend) says in a cheery voice "isn't that just crazy?"
I just stood there looking at her for a few seconds and then I said, "well considering the same thing happened to me several weeks ago, I don't find it so amusing." She then surprisingly asked, "oh did you see your baby?" Why yes, I did - it came out on the pad while I was out to dinner the day before my scheduled d&c. I guess I didn't realize that the cramps I was having and the light bleeding would cause everything in my uterus to come out at once but that's what happened. And since only the men's bathroom was available and I really didn't want to stand in line for the ladies room, I delivered my 91/2 week fetus onto my pad in the men's room. Do you think that can be made into a Halloween costume?
What the fuck are people thinking? How does anyone think that this is an acceptable costume and even more fucked up, how does this ex-coworker think that it's funny to show me this picture. For Christ sake, she had sent me a "so sorry for your loss" e-mail. And she's a freakin pediatrician. My one bit of satisfaction is that I know that she has a chronic health condition that has a high degree of infertility associated with it.
When I had my first miscarriage several months ago, we were very open with everyone, including all of my co-workers. I actually sent an e-mail out to my entire department (this was at my old job, I changed clinics this summer) informing them of my miscarriage even though only a select few had even known about my pregnancy. So basically everyone knew about it and knew why I had taken leave from work.
Well after returning to work, I was put in charge of a slide show presentation for the annual end of the academic year dinner. One of the other pediatricians came over to my house with her laptop to have me pick out what pictures I wanted from her computer for the slide show. While flipping through her pictures she stops and says "Oh my god, I have to show you this next picture, it's an awesome Halloween costume and it's hilarious." Always up for a good laugh, I eagerly awaited the picture. Well it wasn't so funny - definitely not in a haha kind of way. It was a costume of a woman having a miscarriage. She was had on a normal shirt and a skirt and coming from between her legs was a bloody baby doll, head first of course and there was blood dripping down her legs and onto her shoes. Standing next to the girl in the costume was my ex-coworker - both with big smiles. I stared at the picture in horror. Then this ex-coworker of mine (I refuse to call her a friend) says in a cheery voice "isn't that just crazy?"
I just stood there looking at her for a few seconds and then I said, "well considering the same thing happened to me several weeks ago, I don't find it so amusing." She then surprisingly asked, "oh did you see your baby?" Why yes, I did - it came out on the pad while I was out to dinner the day before my scheduled d&c. I guess I didn't realize that the cramps I was having and the light bleeding would cause everything in my uterus to come out at once but that's what happened. And since only the men's bathroom was available and I really didn't want to stand in line for the ladies room, I delivered my 91/2 week fetus onto my pad in the men's room. Do you think that can be made into a Halloween costume?
What the fuck are people thinking? How does anyone think that this is an acceptable costume and even more fucked up, how does this ex-coworker think that it's funny to show me this picture. For Christ sake, she had sent me a "so sorry for your loss" e-mail. And she's a freakin pediatrician. My one bit of satisfaction is that I know that she has a chronic health condition that has a high degree of infertility associated with it.
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