First off, I wanted to thank all of you who commented on my last blog. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has experienced disappointment at finding out the gender is helpful. All of your comments have been very sweet. Thanks.
For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember that I used to moonlight in a small town about 2 hours away from where I live. I would work from Friday evening through early Monday morning and cover for the 3 pediatricians in the town - meaning I'd cover the answering service, see all the babies in the nursery and in the hospital and see any consults that the ER had for me. While it meant being away from home 1 weekend per month it was great money and it allowed R to quit work and start grad school while I was chief resident. Once I started my current job (private practice in a large medical group), I gave up my weekend moonlighting job because it was too much with my current schedule and financially we were doing better.
During my weekends in the small town, I would stay with one of the local doctors and his family. They are very nice (and very religious) folks. The doctor is also the one who hired me and could decide that they no longer needed me. Since we needed the money, I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my job (did I mention it was great money - pretty much equal to R's previous job). So I never mentioned that R was a girl. They knew all about her, I didn't lie - I just never used any pronouns so they didn't know my spouse was a wife. Luckily R's name is gender neutral and after being closeted in med school (very conservative environment), I'm good at speaking in gender neutral terms. I just never corrected them when they used the term "he" or "husband".
R and I always got a kick out if, especially since they knew about some of the infertility treatments (I had to keep the lupron in their fridge). R assumed they thought I had an infertile husband who didn't work and made his wife work weekends so he could go to school. Considering they are very Christian and have very traditional gender roles, we were always amused.
So I went back up there this weekend. Although I hadn't worked there in a while, they really needed someone because one of the doctors is off in a far away land trying to bribe people to believe in his God with medical care. (Sorry but I have major issues with medical mission work - these people already have their own cultural beliefs and who are westerners to come in and impose their God on them in order for them to receive much needed medical care). So get to my point (3 paragraphs later), I worked up there and again stayed with same family (minus the husband who is in Africa). Much to my amazement, the wife mentioned something about "will R try to get pregnant"? Holy good god - I had no idea what to say to that. I got all flustered which is very amusing considering I'm totally out at my regular job and in my everyday life. It was like being in high school all over again and coming out. I quickly made some comment about R having infertility problems as well and changed the subject. After 1 1/2 yrs of her referring to R as a man, how did she figure it out? I'm still so confused. The irony is that I'll probably never see them again because I have no plans on working up there again. Oh well, now they know, he's really a she.
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6 comments:
Do you suppose the wife knew long before (and didn't care) but went along with her husband's assumptions because she knew he wouldn't be ok with it? I've found that sometimes in a conservative family, the women lives her "role" because it's what she's grown up with and is comfortable with (kind of like an old pair of sneakers). Many times women are subservient to their husbands because that's what they've always known and can’t/won’t rebel for the sake of their family (immediate and extended). I've been party to conversations of groups of such women and it's amazing what they talk about but don't tell their husbands.
If the town is anywhere near the one you live in, she probably has gossip "connections" that told her about R. I'd guess that she probably was genuinely trying to be friendly with her question. If she was upset by knowing that R is a woman she probably wouldn't have asked the question that she did.
Small town, but he's a doctor...I'm sure if you are "out" everywhere else it's come up. I'll bet they've known for a while ?! Maybe.
Either way....it sounds as if they've accepted you in to the fold regardless of your sexual preference.
hilarious and i've totally been there before. it was the most uncomfortable personal/professional situation that i've ever had to deal with. i did almost exactly what you did by acknowledging and quickly moving on. yikes!!
Congratulations on having a boy! (probably). I was so disappointed when we found out our child was a boy that I actually cried. The ultrasound tech thought they were tears of happiness. HAH. It took me months to come to terms with it. So don't feel bad for being disappointed. I also have to share that the moment he was born I fell madly in love with him and am totally and thoroughly happy that he is a he. Boys ROCK. I still want a daughter some day though. Oh, and I know you know this but just because it took you forever to get pregnant does not mean that you are not allowed to feel sad about gender, or grumpy about morning sickness, or complain when you get cankles. COMPLAIN AWAY.
OMG. That's a great story. I love it.
Sometimes I do think that women are just much more in tune with subtleties. The gender neutral pronouns might have actually been what tipped her off. Whatever it was, it's sort of a cute story that she even thought to ask.
Too bad you guys can't come hang out this weekend at pride. We'll miss you!!
isn't that crazy when someone makes a comment and you're like, "wtf? how do you know?!"
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