So I feel like a complete asshole for my rant of a post 2 days ago. I've mentioned before that I occasionally work in a small town, covering for all the local pediatricians. As part of my duties, I cover the newborn nursery. Usually that is a source of grief for me because this town has an unusually high rate of meth users. So almost every time that I work here, I have some meth babies that I have to place into foster care because they can't go home with their meth addict mothers. It usually pisses me off that I can't seem to have a baby but every meth addict can have 10 babies. I do think meth is better than clomid or any injectable in terms of a fertility med, but I haven't gone there yet.
Anyway, getting back to why I'm a complete asshole for being upset about a friend's easy pregnancy. So I get called to attend a delivery around midnight on Friday night. It turned out that the baby was known to have multiple lethal anomalies. The family had been aware of this since about 22 weeks gestation but had chosen not to terminate the pregnancy. As long as the baby was inside of mom the baby could live as mom's organs did the work that the child's maldeveloped organs couldn't do. But once the baby was outside the womb, her organs could not sustain life. I was called to be there in case the baby did something. The family had already decided that they did not want any resuscitation measures done.
The mother was under general anesthesia for the c-section so she was knocked out. I was upset with that decision since it meant mom would not get to hold the baby for several hours but apparently it was mom who wanted general anesthesia versus a spinal anesthesia. Dad is squeamish of blood so he didn't want to see mom cut open. So we agreed that I would get the baby cleaned up and then take her to dad to hold in a quiet room. Once I got baby cleaned up, I went out and explained to dad that her heart was still beating but because her lungs didn't develop she couldn't breath and thus was blue. She occasionally had some reflex like gasping effort although no air went in or out of her lungs. I explained to dad that it might be minutes to hours before her heart stopped. I then took dad the baby to hold as she died. I sat with dad for about an hour. We took pictures of dad holding her in his arms. Mom was still in the recovery room but was too drugged to comprehend things or to hold the baby. After about an hour the baby's heart stopped and pronounced her (dead). Mom was able to hold her several hours later once she was more alert. I did speak to mom the next day to assure her that her baby had not suffered and that she had passed while comfortable in her daddy's arms.
While I don't think this was necessarily karma (since hopefully Karma would bring me something good as I've been good to others), I do think this was the fertility gods letting me know that they are in control. I much rather have delivered my 9wk old bean into my hand than to have my full term baby die like this. It makes my friend's positive on her first ever IUI seem so stupid and insignificant - well stupid that I had my panties in a bunch about it. However it happens for us, it will happen. Although I am boldly declaring - I will be pregnant in 10 weeks!
About Me
- Steph
- Wife, Mom, Daughter, Pediatrician, Breastfeeding-baby-wearing Mommy to 3 beautiful babes that took us a long time to get with many ups & downs along the way.
1 comment:
I like your blog. I like your bitterness. As far as I'm concerned, let 'er rip. I read your posts and I think that I am one of those people that you hate. First off, I am godd*mn wildy f*cking fertile. There I said it. I have gotten pregnant five times on the first try. Unf*ckingbelievable I know. And I have two alive and fabulous kids.
So I figure you won't want to read any further and you'll be inclined to tell me to go f*ck myself even in your improved mood after helping the dad watch his daughter die.
I am pregnant again now in my third death-defying attempt to have a third child. I afraid to put up a pregnancy because I will feel like a big ahole if i have to take the goddamn thing down at 10 weeks (1st miscarriage) or 11 weeks (2nd miscarriage) or god forbid at 22 weeks like when i had to deliver my perfectly healthy daughter too early for her to live. But I am also extra-afraid to look so stupid in front of people who, like you, have said how much they loathe the ridiculously early ticker placement. There, I said that too.
I'm glad you speak your mind so boldly. Your statements obviously resonate with my own self-talk regarding my fears in this pregnancy. It plays right into my thoughts about not deserving to be fertile and not deserving a third child and not being brave (or stupid) enough to put up a ticker at 6 weeks.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad about what you said. What I'm saying is "You go girl. Speak your mind. Give voice to the bitterness so it doesn't eat a hole in you. But check this shit (my shit) out."
The juxtaposition of our situations is ironic. But is that irony, really? It's certainly more ironic than 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Good luck getting knocked up in 10 weeks. I'll be rooting for you.
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